Under the tree of thoughts

Part two: My very first beginning

I stared at the dry grass, thinking what was happening. I was sitting under that tree waiting for a thought. Was that actually what I was doing? It couldn't have been a dream, could it? But dreams don't feel that real. Waiting endlessly under the crown of that dark coloured tree I changed my field of vision. I decided to glance at the sky, hoping that it would be blue, a carefully painted blue, as the sky I knew, even though I couldn't remember why. However, suddenly, I found myself standing in the middle of a circle made from children. Everyone was singing.

It seemed familiar, but I didn't even know what familiar was. Was it the voice of the children? That sweet timber it had? Or maybe, it could have been their faces. I thought for a second that it could be one of those lost memories, but somehow I couldn't find myself among the children. Why was that? That's when I understood what was happening.

Crying. I heard a cry, coming behind me. And then I saw their faces, smirking. They were terrifying, scary. That look full of disgust could make every strong person feel fear. I was sure that the child behind me, standing on his knees, shared the same feeling with me. In the end, we were the same person.

That's when I remembered those words coming from their mouths: "Dying is hard for you poor child, but still you should try to have a smile, so why don't we make you cry. It's just for some time so do not fear, be good for once!"

Those words which had no rhyme, made me remember. It was a part of my childhood. It was just another day of regrets, of crying, of bad thoughts. That was where it all started. That was the origin of that dry lawn, of that unknown sky. It was the day when I started pouring my heart into my bed pillows, making my room an imaginary place, promising myself not to turn back...Turn back? To where? Was it to forget the past? Or was it to focus on the future, learning from the past? What was the true meaning of that promise? I didn't remember.

My head started spinning. I fell down on the harsh ground. My head hurt so much, I couldn't stand it anymore. I was also crying, just like the child me. Wait. He wasn't there anymore. Although he had vanished, I was still circled by the children. Was I the new target?

I had ran away that day just so I could cry to myself again. But why am I doing the same thing even now? I felt my eyes damp. Tears streaming down on my face. I was sad and angry for no reason. I felt like a child one more time, wanting to shed tears somewhere alone. I closed my eyes, waiting for the pain to stop. It felt like an eternity.

And then I opened my eyes. To my surprise they weren't wet. My soul felt empty, as if nothing had happened. I was staring at a gray sky. I felt a bit disappointed that it wasn't how I wished it to be, but I couldn't shed the tears I was holding before. It was as if they had never existed.

I let it go. I just waited a bit for my next memory to come. I knew that it wouldn't be a good one. I thought for a moment..."This tree is my life, my whole being. If what's around here is no good, it means I too am no good."

Maybe that's somehow right...