All That Matters

Chapter Three

'Do you have children?'

Amanda was at a friend's baby shower, sitting in the middle of a dozen mothers.

Below the invitation she had received for the baby shower was a small handwritten note that said: 'I understand if you do not want to come.' And that was exactly why she went: to avoid the understanding.

'No, I don't,' she replied to the woman sitting next to her.

'No wonder your skin is so beautiful! All that sleep without interruptions!' exclaimed another woman, who had dark circles under her eyes.

'And not to mention all the time you get for yourself!' said the mother sitting next to her. 'So, tell me, what do you do with all the free time?'

'I bet she spends it with her husband. I remember how Ben and I used to be before Peter and Sara was born. And now I barely get any time to spend with him.'

Just then, the baby of the woman next to Amanda began to cry. Unintentionally, Amanda reached out for him, the same time his mother did.

'Oh, go ahead,' the woman said, and Amanda lifted the baby, gently rocking him in her lap. She ran her hand over his head, moving down to his cheek, and finally settled it on his stomach.

Even when the child stopped crying, she did not let go of him.

She imagined what it would be like to have her own child, and when tears threatened to spill from her eyes, she handed the child back to his mother and left the room.

Even though all the women there were complaining, she could feel the happiness they had underneath.

More than anything else, what she wanted was to be one of them.

~

Amanda was tired. She was tired of the stab of pain she felt when she saw a mother playing with her baby. She was tired of her eyes hurting every time she passed a playground with children. She was tired of feeling like a failure, once every month. She was tired of trying to have a baby.

She was simply tired.

When she got home, Adam was already back from work.

'How did it go?' he asked upon seeing her, getting up to kiss her.

'I'm tired.'

'Tired of what?' But even as he asked her, he knew what she meant.

'Of all of it. The injections, the medications, the dieting to stay the optimum BMI for fertility, the peeing on sticks and having my eggs taken out of me, fertilized in a test tube, and put back into me.'

'You don't mean that - '

'I do. Every word of it.'

'It didn't work this time, but we can still try again.'

'I'm sick of trying and failing again and again. Of disappointing you. Of hoping every time that it would be different, but it's not.' Then, dropping her voice, she added. 'I'm tired of being disappointed again and again. It's just better to face all the disappointment at once.'

'Honey - '

She cut his sentence again. 'It's easy for you. All you have to do is come in a bowl. But it's not for me.'

He opened his mouth, but closed it without saying anything. Even though he looked hurt, she continued, knowing if she stopped right now, she might not be able to continue again, 'It's my body, and I get to decide what happens to it.'

He looked at her with his mouth slightly ajar, pain evident in his eyes.

It's my body that's faulty,' she said, 'and it has always been that way. And I have to live with that. I'm sorry.'

And she walked out of the house, leaving him starring at the place where she was standing, long after she left.

~

Like most people, Adam had always thought that someday he would have his own children. He had never even given it much thought, until Amanda said she wanted one.

After that, both of their lives changed.

While she had to go through a lot, so did he. He stopped drinking caffeine. He started jogging. He followed diets that increase fertility. He started wearing boxers instead of briefs. He stopped placing his laptop on his lap. He went to an acupuncturist who lit needles on fire, dangerously close to his testicles.

When nothing else worked, he even went to a urologist where he had to answer questions like: How often do you have intercourse with your wife? How many sexual partners have you had? Does your wife reach orgasm during intercourse?

After countless appointments to the doctor, Adam found out that his sperm count was a total of fifty million. But when you take account of their shape and speed, three hundred thousand ones are left. And then, suddenly Amanda and Adam were looking at IVF and ICSI.

People rarely ever talk about how a man feels when he does not have children, when he can't do what other man so easily can, what other men take precautions not to do. But Adam could tell you: that man feels like a failure.