I'm posting this here cause if I don't post it somewhere I will explode but basically I have no idea what I believe I am trying the Christianity thing but idk cause I always end up feeling worse after going to church and I know the only reason I ever tried turning to god anyway is cause I'm terrified of going to hell so nothing I do when it comes to Christianity and church and even youth group feels genuine at all I feel like I'm performing and it's not even a good performance but then comes the guilt and I was talking to a friend about that about how I feel worse after church and she said that it was probably the church I was at but I don't think that's it. and they talked about needing to find a church where you feel God's presence but I don't think I've ever felt God's presence. in my life I've gone to quite a few churches and therefore quite a few services and Sunday school classes and not once can I name a time where I felt God's presence. I don't know what that means about me but I don't like feeling guilty about it I know that much
I was looking into hellenic polytheism today and I'm thinking about maybe trying that out or maybe possibly wicca but I'd have to look into it more hell maybe I'll even try satanism I don't fucking know
I just know I want to have a religion because I want something to believe in (btw yes I know satanists don't believe in Satan) I want that comfort I cannot live with there just being nothing out there cause there has to be something I don't just want the agnostic label anymore I want something but I don't think I want the abrahamic god
