don't call me that

4: Avoiding

Knowing that Harry Styles liked me made me see his whole self in a different way.

I'd turn around and catch him staring. Whenever we'd touch, his smile would disappear and then return even wider. He'd sneak in comments about how he could tell when I was biting my cheek when I was nervous, hiding a grin, or concentrating.

And through all of this, I had a roiling knot of conflicted emotions sitting at the bottom of my stomach.

Fear, because of my active imagination of the future.

Caution, because I could see the want in his eyes.

Desperation, because when he'd fall asleep in front of my tv and his curly head would bury into a pillow, light breaths parting his pink lips, I'd find myself wanting him too.

---

One Saturday night, Jade and I were sitting in front of the TV when she suddenly blurted out, "I miss Evan, Blue."

I turned to her, alarmed. "Huh?"

She turned to me, eyes full of emotion. "I know he's so far from perfect but I miss feeling loved by a boy, falling asleep in someone's arms, I hate myself so much for it but it's true, Indigo, and I can't stop thinking about it." 

I took a deep breath, taking in everything she'd just said. "Are you gonna do it, Jadey?"

I didn't trust Evan not to break Jade's heart again, not one bit. But I knew I needed to let her figure it out on her own, as long as she was sure of what she wanted.

"I don't know," she murmured, locking her eyes on the television screen. "I've just been thinking a lot about it lately, Blue."

"Just make sure it's what you want before you act. It's only fair to both of you," I pleaded.

She sighed, but it sounded lighter. "I know. I really do. Thank you."

"Wanna sleep on it?" I asked her gently.

She nodded. "Yes, please."

I wrapped a blanket around Jade's shoulders. "You can make one of those pro-con lists you love, Jadey," I suggested.

She grinned affectionately. "If everyone else out there is as evil as Niall, I think I've got it pretty good."

I laughed lightly. "You've talked to Niall recently?"

She nodded. "Ran into him and Lou the other day," she explained. "We got into a spit about test scores. Can you believe it? Stupid scores. He pushes every button I have."

"But he's pretty," I teased, making Jade smile.

"He's ugly. Ugly ugly ugly," she defended, swallowing a grin. Jade called things ugly that she didn't want to want. Her saying that about Niall was more significant than she knew now.

"Don't think about Niall. Think about Evan," I told her. "Sleep tight, Jadey!"

She shuffled towards the bedroom, smiling through the folds of her blankets and waving. "Night."