don't call me that

7: Confronting

New Years came and went. Louis got drunk and went streaking outside in the snow. Harry made eyes at me during the countdown to midnight but said nothing and kissed no one.

One morning, only a few days before school started up again, Jade and I were curled up against the snowstorm watching old reruns of Seinfeld.

Jade had muted an obnoxious car commercial we'd heard ten times that night and the room was silent. Suddenly, she turned to me.

"Can we talk about Harry now?"

"What about Harry?" I asked uncomfortably, feeling my cheeks get hot.

Jade closed her eyes, shaking her head. "About Christmas Eve. About Harry in your bed with his arm all over you."

I let out a long breath. I knew this was coming. Thinking I'd sailed by the incident as the days passed, I let my guard down. And now I was paying for it.

"Blue, you need to make up your mind about him," Jade said, like she was exhausted. "One second you're promising me you're just friends and the next, he's in your bed. All night."

I feel my throat closing up and any answers I could come up with didn't seem good enough. The truth was, I was just as confused and conflicted as Jade was about the whole thing.

"I don't know," I admitted.

"You have to know!!" she cried. Seinfeld had restarted but it was still muted. "You can't keep stringing the poor kid along anymore!"

"Yes I can!" I exploded, surprising myself. "I don't want to go out with him. Why can't we just do this? What we're doing!?"

Jade stood up, looking down at me, which was rarely the case and therefore made me recoil under her stare.

"Don't you see it?!"

"See what?" I asked emotionally, feeling a lump rise in my throat.

Jade threw her hands in the air. "I could think of a thousand things!"

"Please, name a few. If you're so knowledgable."

"Okay! Don't you see that why you're doing is cruel, because you're ignoring the fact that Harry is helplessly in love with you?!"

I opened my mouth but nothing came out.

"And it's a million times worse, Blue, because you dangle yourself in front of his face like a horrible tease and pretend that you're not madly in love with him, too!"

"I can't love him!" I cried into my hands, denying the beating of my heart.

"But you do!! Anyone would have to be blind not to see it!"

"Why can't I just be blind?" I begged, my voice lowering to a whimper.

"Because it's ridiculous."

Finally, I felt my confidence level shoot up, so high I even stood and walked away from Jade.

Swinging around, I fought back. "About as ridiculous as going back to the same jackass five hundred times, even though I see it, I see how unhappy you are with him! Why do you stay?!"