LET ME LOVE YOU ~ Ben Bruce~ love story

Part 1

Hopless

"Shit... My past is getting to me again . Why now. Why?! I was happy?! aaahhh." I asked myself. I always ask myself this question. and I never get the answer.

I felt warmth going down my face, and then turn to coldness because of the low temperature in the house. Am I crying? I felt so weak and fragile. At this moment all I wanted is pain, not the pain inside but for it to go on my body and skin so that the pain inside would go away. Well that's how my brain functioned. "The only thing that could calm me down is to self-harm". "But I can't. I need to think positive. You know what I'll go take a shower, that always helps." I tried my hardest to convince myself.

I stood up and left my room. (Few turns and awkward hi's with the people I share the house with). Seeing the bath tub calmed me down a bit straight away. I turned on the water, I got just the right water running and let it fill up the bath tub.

I slowly slidded out of my clothes and all I saw was cuts and scars of my war, so called self-harming. Everywhere i see is cuts,all over my legs. It still shocked me every time I saw myself, I felt ashamed. I forced myself not to cry again. I got in the tub of warm relaxing water. It fell good. I got back a little of control of my mind and body.

After I spending hour in the liquid place, I go back to my room. I put sleeping shorts and a blue tshirt with cats on it. "Isn't it funny, blue wearing a blue tshirt", I laughed inside my head. "I'm messed up in so many different levels". After changing I end up going on my mums laptop and, well, staying up till 3 am looking up cats on tumblr. "That's my life?" I thought to myself again.
~after two/three hours of trying to fall asleep I drift away to my dreamless dream~

"Blue, blue, blue?!". I get woken up by someone shaking me. "Arrrrggh ?! What?" I say to 'probably' my mum, you can hear the annoyance in my voice. "Wake up". Yeah its my mum. Like you see I'm not a morning person. Well considering that I go to sleep at three/five in the morning while I have to wake at six. "What time is it?", I ask my mum, who's too busy making herself a cup of coffee. "Its five thirty (am)", she saids it in very tired voice, before she put a tea spoon of auger in her coffee. I move around and open my eyes.

I end up staying in my bed for twenty or thirty minutes. Mum comes in to my room, "Okay im leaving", before she leaves my room, she comes and kisses me on the cheak. I don't know but i don't particularly like people touching me, even my mum. "Bye" "Have a good day" my mum says and then leaves.

I get out of the bed and go on the computer to see what time it is. Its six twenty (am). I go to the kitchen put coffee in the coffee maker and turn it on. "LALALALALALa", I have this weird habit of singing when I'm in weird, uncomfortable or just any situation. "C'mon, i want coffee" I pretend to cry. Yay, i get a cup and pour the coffee.