Rolling Stone (Got7 Fanfic)

Chapter 6 : poseur

For some reason, I was always the last choice for everything. If you would ask us to pair ourselves, they'd always go to her first. If you'd ask them who to rank ourselves based on closeness, they'd choose her first; because of this, I would often ask myself, "Do they think I prefer solitude than to be with them?", " Did I do anything wrong?" or "What is it that I lack?" or even "Is it because of my personality?"

I would wonder to myself why her even if I became close to the others first?

Those were the times I would curse myself for being who I am. I would cry myself to sleep wondering if I should just lie to myself and deceive everyone by pretending to be someone else. I would always think that way and think that I've already deceived everyone by pretending to be happy when I'm not; pretending that I'm okay but in truth, I am hurting physically, emotionally and even mentally.

Let me quote a post I found on the net,

I'm that friend that has to walk behind the group when the path isn't big enough. I'm that friend that gets cut off in the conversation. I'm that friend that gets left behind when I asked for them to wait for me. I'm that friend that doesn't get invited to hang out a lot. I'm that friend that if I want to go to the mall or some place with a friend, I have to be the one to invite people to make sure I get included. I'll always be that friend."

I could relate to most of what's written there. I can relate to the pain but I could never tell them about this because I'm scared. I'm scared of being left behind. I don't want to repeat the past.

Whenever I am alone, I would often think about this. I would cry silently, just to make sure, and would just crawl into a ball, allowing my tears to show to nobody. I made sure I never cried tears of sadness in front of anyone – no one should know about this. Whenever I'm them or anyone in particular, I put up a happy mien. I make sure I smile whenever I need to and laugh when I know I should laugh.

I am an actress; a liar – a liar to my own self and a liar to everyone around me.

ⓡⓞⓛⓛⓘⓝⓖ♧ⓢⓣⓞⓝⓔ

"I feel like it's been months into school already," Eunji groaned inwardly.

It was just the second week of school but we had an immense number of projects and homework already despite our school having a "No Homework Policy". Whenever we were given homework, we would protest and remind the teacher about the policy but then our teachers would give excuses saying, "It's not homework. It's a take-home activity," then we would all mentally curse our teachers for making a hundred and one shitty and excuses and choosing not to follow the policies. We were actually quite lucky that most of the projects were group projects but even so, they were still projects.

"I know right? I don't even have time for those projects," I groaned inwardly, mimicking what Eunji did.

I myself was already having difficulties in coping with the stress. I was in the brink of insanity. I would pull my hair harshly whenever I feel stressed, my temper was shortened and I would snap instantly at anyone who manages to talk to me at the wrong time and would sometimes spit profanities at them, and I would just fight back the tears forming in my eyes. I was the type of person who'd breakdown and cry whenever I reached my limitations.

I never did want to scream and snap at people; I would regret it most of the time. Tears also form whenever I snap at people due to stress but I wouldn't ask for forgiveness most of the time; my pride prevents me from doing so. I know it's not right to not ask for forgiveness but my huge pride was one of my biggest flaws. My pride is also one of the reasons why not everyone likes me but I don't really mind.