Pretty Kind of Dirty Face {Matty Healy}

16 // Head.Cars.Bending

{drink fall spew}

With a heavy sigh, I walked down the streets I had only ever seen by streetlights. Now, the bright sunlight disoriented me and made my eyes water. Or maybe it was the shit in my life that was making my eyes water.

The funny thing was, I wasn't mad. Sure, I knew I was supposed to be. But the anger from the moment as I screamed at Matty in the hotel room had faded as I walked down the sidewalk. Now, I just felt numb. But nevertheless, a tear slipped down my cheek – whether it was caused by the loss of Matty or the addition of the sunlight, I wasn't sure. I wiped it off with the back of my hand, pushed my bag back on my shoulder, and kept moving forward.

That is, until I couldn't breathe any longer.

Suddenly, every step seemed like torture. Every move was killing me. Every breath was near impossible. That was when it hit me: Matty was gone. He told me to leave, and I did. He asked me if I loved him, and I said no.

I ducked into an alley between two shops, simply hoping to avoid the glances from the cars driving past as I leaned against a brick wall, struggling to regain any sense of normalcy. I wanted to breathe again, I wanted to think straight, but more than anything I wanted to take back the past hour.

How could I have done such a thing? I did the opposite of what I wanted, said the opposite of what I felt. I was so quick to deny my love for Matty. Sure, in the moment I didn't think I loved him. I thought I was telling the truth, thought I could survive without him. But that was before I lost the ability to breathe, to walk, to see. If being without him was this painful, then this had to be love.

Fuck.

I was in love with the man I had just left. I had stormed out of his hotel room, too blind to see my true feelings, and far too proud to admit them. And now it was too late. I had lost him.

Whoever said that you never know what you've got until it's gone wasn't fucking around. I thought I'd appreciated Matty and his love in my life, but now that he was gone and I couldn't breathe, I realized I never truly understood it.

I shook my head, still panting heavily in the alleyway, tears streaming down my face. I was so lost, so alone. I needed it to stop. So I dug through my bag, sitting on the hard pavement, dumping things out until found the money Matty had given me. Then, with my shit together – literally but certainly not figuratively – I wiped my face with my sleeve and set out down the street.

* * *

I picked up my phone, dialing the only number I could think of – Cecily's. It rang three times before she answered.

"Ellie!" she sung happily. "What's up?"

I could barely even choke out words. "C-cec," I stuttered, "I need y-y-you to come p-pick me up."

"Oh god. Have you been drinking?"

"I--" I started, but it was pointless to continue. It wasn't even a question. Of course I had been drinking. After I stumbled out of the alleyway, I made my way toward the closest bar and had been there for hours. At first, I just wanted something to dull the pain. Then, after a few shots, I decided I wanted to be completely numb. And as usual, with too much alcohol came my stutter. Cecily knew it well – and also knew it meant I was far past my limit.

"What happened?" Cec began, then decided against it. "You know what, never mind. I'm with Autumn. We're going to come get you. Just text me the name of the bar you're at and we'll be right there."

I nodded, as if she could see me through the phone, then hung up. I tried to type the name of the bar into a text message and hit send, not caring about the typos anymore. I was done caring. About everything.

The bartender came over to the corner of the bar with a pitiful smile. "Can I get you another drink?" he asked. I glanced up at him, my vision blurring as I moved my head.

"Um," I whispered, "i-if I have money l-left for one." I handed him the money Matty had given me to pick up my tab and see if I could pay for a sixth shot. Seventh? I'd lost count. Either way, another shot glass was soon placed in front of me and I threw it back, loving the burn of it dripping down my throat.

Any other day, straight vodka wasn't for me. I usually needed it mixed with something until there virtually no alcohol in my cup. But now? A mixed drink wasn't what I needed. I needed the bitterness – the pain – of drinking it straight.

I still couldn't believe the events that had just transpired. With every drink it had felt more like a dream. But with the sound of my glass hitting the wood of the bar, I was jolted back to reality. It had happened. I had left Matty.

Cue another shot of vodka.

This was the pattern of my afternoon, until finally Cecily showed up. I watched from the back corner as she and Autumn scanned the small crowd of people until their eyes landed on me.

"Is everything okay?" Cecily said once she got to me. "Never mind, let's just get you back to the car."

"I c-can't," I responded, "I can't walk."

She rolled her eyes at me. "Yes you can."

I shook my head but tried to stand up. My vision blurred more than it had been with me sitting. I couldn't even take a step before I fell back onto the bar. Nope, it wasn't about to happen.

Autumn gave me a pitiful smile – what was she doing here anyway? Why was she so quick to help someone she barely knew? Cecily must have forced her to come along. There was no way anyone actually cared about me. Cecily might have even been pretending to be my friend this entire time. Who knew? I certainly didn't.

Whether or not Cecily and Autumn genuinely cared about me, I was forced to put my arm around them in order to walk. I stumbled, almost falling several times if it weren't for the girls, one on each side, keeping me upright. I could barely see straight, the whole bar spun as I finally left it.

A couple of steps in the harsh sunlight and suddenly I was crawling into the backseat of Cecily's car, lying down and stretching out immediately. The spinning eased, but the nausea remained. Instead of fighting it, I closed my eyes and let the moving of the car calm me as I listened to Cecily and Autumn whisper back and forth about me. Apparently, they thought I was asleep. I wished I was – to sleep, perchance to dream, right? Maybe I could dream that I never left Matty in that hotel room. Maybe when I woke, it would be reality.

"She's worse than I thought," started Cecily.

"She's not usually this bad, is she?" Autumn responded. I heard her move in her seat, probably to check on me.

"No, I don't think I've ever seen her this bad."

"What happened?"

"Probably something with Matty."

"He just needs to stay away from her, honestly."

"They could be so good for each other, trust me. That's why I was pushing her so hard to go for him. God, this is all my fault. . . ."

As if it was trying to interrupt her from her pool of sadness, Cecily's phone rang.

"Hey babe. . . . Yeah, I just picked her up, she's okay, but barely. . . . Good, he better feel bad! She's such a mess. . . . I'm honestly just trying to get her home before she throws up in my car. . . . No, George, tell him not to. Ellie doesn't need that right now, trust me. . . . I said no, okay? . . . Yeah, I'll talk to you tomorrow. Love you."

A/N: hi guys, it's great to be back. I can't promise regular updates, but I will be doing my absolute best. And anyway, it seems like Ellie needs my attention ;) Thanks for reading, don't forget to comment and vote!! xoxo Sadie