My Diary to You

Chapter 3

August 16, 2015

After seven years away from you and two of them without you in my life, the courts gave me back to you six months before I turned twelve. A stupid decision on their part. They couldn't see through the fake image you gave out. You tricked everyone including me. Making us believe you actually changed. If I had known what life would be like after the first two weeks with you, I wouldn't have gone home. It was my choice after all. They asked me who I wanted to go home to, you or grandma, or if I wanted to stay and I chose you. I wish I hadn't. I wish I choose Grandma. Mostly I wish Phyllis and Glen could have adopted me like they wanted to. They would drive hours to Maryvale and hours back just to have me for a day. They bought me things and gave me my own room specially decorated for me. I loved them dearly but you came along and somehow made it where they no longer were allowed to see me. You have always taken what made me happy. 

After the first two weeks with you, the facade you put out, disappeared. You started slamming dope again. You'd stay in your room and talk about how you saw dancing butterflies on your wall.  Amy- my sister- and I started sneaking out at night to the park. I was eleven when I first smoked a cigarette, got drunk, smoked weed, took pills, fell over drunk, dry humped a boy, kissed a boy, stole beer from the store, tagged, and got involved with the cops. Age eleven was my first for many things and all in the same year I went home. You paid no attention to me and I did whatever I wanted. I even had Amy pierce my stomach and eyebrow, which you later made me take out. I'd fall asleep on the rooftop high as can be and you were "out at the casino" which I now know meant you were slamming. I remember how you would wrap your arm in bandages and say you sprained your wrist. I was stupid enough to believe you.  

I started school at a continuation school in Twenty Nine Palms. That is where Shaun came into our lives. I met him at school and instantly liked him with his dark clothes and bright smile but he was older by a few years. We became friends and a few weeks later when Amy and I were at the park, he was there with his skateboard looking perfect. Butterflies filled my stomach and I told Amy I liked him. She went up to him and started talking to him. I shyed away thinking she was telling him I liked him . I went home hoping he wouldn't go to school and laugh with his friends about how an eleven year old liked him. Later that day, I realized as Amy came home handcuffed to him -his hood up as he watched me - and introduced him as her new boyfriend, that she never was telling him. She was making him her new boyfriend. And in the moment I realized that, my entire heart dropped. My eyes met his and I knew, and I could tell he did too, that him and I had just got onto a roller coaster ride of laughs and smiles, tears and secrets, and unrequited love that could never become anything...

~~~

Before Shaun came into our lives I had been with three boys. I hadn't had sex yet, I was still a virgin.  My first boyfriend came only weeks after I moved home. His name was Kaine and we went to school together at Yucca Elementary. In grade six, we were in the same class and sat next to each other. We'd get in trouble for passing notes and messing around in class. Then I was forced to switch to the continuation school. We tried staying together. We talked on the phone and I'd visit him a few times. But between different schools and not a lot of time together, I fell for someone else at my new school. His name was Brandon and he was fourteen.  He asked me to be his girlfriend. I gladly accepted and sadly broke up with Kaine. Brandon was my first kiss, we were dared and it was on a slide. That is what started our relationship. We were on and off for about half a year, more or less, and I broke up with him for sexually joking with another girl and then asking me to do something that I will not mention. For some reason I could forgive him for calling me names and getting upset for no reason, but I couldn't forgive him for that. I wish now I had. It would have prevented what was to come. 

The third guy was never my boyfriend. He was my moms friends son named Romeo. I only count him because we kissed and fooled around. Our clothes stayed on. I think you get what we did. 

I know I was too young for any of the things I did but you were strung out and didn't pay attention. I got away with a lot, and with Amy's influence and my curiosity it wasn't long before the occasional fling of minor rebellion turned into more.