Everything's Changed

FIFTEEN

Chapter Fifteen:

After lunch, the kids were allowed to play in the pool for a while, while everyone else chatted away – or, in Jason's case, read.

"Excuse me Mr. Orange, why are you being so antisocial?" Jason looked up from the text in his hands and saw Mark towering over him with a rather large grin plastered to his face.

"Sorry mate, I was just reading my book." Jason apologised with a smile. He couldn't help but smile back at Mark, the grin he wore on his face right now had almost become a rarity, whereas before, it was more of a rarity to see Mark without his famous boyish grin plastered to his face. It had always made him smile before, but seeing it now just made him – and everyone else – smile that little bit more.

"Whatcha reading?" Mark asked. He snatched the book out of Jason's hands, must to his brief annoyance, and read the front cover. At this, his expression changed. "Why are you reading this?" Mark asked as he looked from the book to Jason.

"I dunno," Jason answered. "I guess it's because what's going on in this book is almost mirroring what's going on now. I mean, I know it's about a child and I know he's got leukaemia rather than a brain tumour, but he's still faced with the prospect that he's going to die. I know it's not exactly the happiest of stories, but I was reading it, well, to help prepare myself for what's inevitably going to happen." Jason explained. He didn't look at Mark and Mark could feel his heart break for his friend. He sat on the edge of the sun bed, next to Jason and looked at him.

It was then that Mark realised that he hadn't actually spoken to the other guys that much about this whole thing. He had never really spoken to them about how they were taking it. To Mark, they had always seemed like they had been taking it rather well. Better than Emma or Robbie had. But hearing what Jason had just said made Mark realise that they only appeared to be taking it well because they had to stay strong, for all their sakes, not just Mark's. It made him feel extremely guilty for not having spoken to them about this like he had done with Emma and Robbie especially. It made him feel guilty that he hadn't seen what lied behind his friends' guard.

"Jay, you OK?" Mark asked. He put a hand on Jason's and Jason looked up at him.

"I dunno, Mark. I mean, it's hard, y'know." Mark nodded. It was hard; hard for all of them. This tumour had affected every single one of them, not just Mark. It had affected them all in different ways, but, of course, none of those ways had been anywhere near positive ones. "In a few months you're not gonna be here anymore and that scares me. Scared the shit out of me. It's hard to imagine what it's gonna be like without you, Marky."

Mark honestly felt like crying at what Jason was saying, but he refused to. Jason, however, seemed to be holding up all right and Mark wished that he could be more like that; stronger; able to hold on to his emotions without letting go too much. It wasn't the first time Mark had wanted to be more like Jason: wise and cleaver; able to come up with answers for questions that no-one else in the band could answer; able to come up with questions that may or may not have an answer.

Jason noticed Mark was looking a little upset and so brought the much smaller man into a tight hug. Mark hugged back with an equal amount of force.

"Jay, I'm sorry." Mark said quietly.

"What for?" Jason asked, pulling out slightly and looking at Mark.

"For not talking to you as much. I never really asked you have you were feeling, or Gary, or Howard. I never really thought about how you were feeling. The three of you always seemed to be taking it well." Mark said. He felt ashamed and Jason could see that. He didn't want Mark to feel ashamed, after all, he had nothing to be ashamed about.