“Papaaaa!!! Come on! You’ve been in there for ages now! It’s not a conference room… Make it quick pleaseee!” I crossed my legs tightly and frantically cried out to papa, bouncing up and down like a hyper rabbit. Finally the door squeaked open and out came papa looking like he had just signed a contract for unlimited hotdog supply. He rubbed his watermelon shaped belly and let out a long “aaaah” of relief. I rolled my eyes like pinballs at his teases meant for me and rushed for the door when Grandpa Joe pushed me over and trembled his way in.
“Uugghh! Does my making a queue outside the door mean nothing to anyone?!” I bellowed furiously, heat escaping my nostrils like an angered bull. I had been waiting for what seemed to be all eternity just to get a chance to relieve myself but every time the lavatory got empty, someone or the other, either Uncle Stew, Mamma, Aunt Connie or my annoying brother would push me over and have their turn!
You could find a cow flying in the sky, hear a hotdog scream when it would see the colour yellow or try to ask a dog how its day went while flossing its teeth but never would you find our Stevenson family miss out on the reunion at Lake Doodlies. Papa’s and my uncles’ knock, knock jokes would go on the whole night and no matter how lame they sounded, they somehow managed to make me burst into rib-cracking laughter. We would sit out in the floating boats at the lake and Grandma Jenny would bring her homemade special recipe of baked beans whose aroma never failed to get my mouth watering and craving for more.
My eyes focused at the door handle of the lavatory filled with anticipation. The atmosphere seemed to slow down as if stirring up the moment of when the door would screech open for me to swoosh in like an eagle.
The awaited moment arrived and I screamed with joy “Finally! Nothing can stop me now-“ when Mamma called my name out informing me that breakfast was ready and that Joey had joined us.
“Wait what? Joey? Joey Baxter? OMG! Breathe, breathe!” I took unlimited gasps of air, my heart beats quickening like the speed of a rally car. He was the crush of my life and I had tried every possible means to impress him. The lamb had leaped into the lion’s mouth itself so why not seize the opportunity?
I could not appear before him like this… I turned away from the lavatory having no other option but to hold it for as long as I could. You could possibly say that Grandma Jenny’s beans and my stomach were never the best of friends but they were just too irresistible! Constraining myself and bottling up my ‘pressure’, I walked over to the picnic spot trying not to make any fast, quick or sudden movements. The breakfast was laid perfectly on top of a red and white picnic sheet underneath the trees which gave it a breezy, shady touch.
I met Joey with a smile and blushed slightly at his complement on my blouse. Deep down inside, I knew he had felt something for me too but maybe he never had the chance to show or say it. I wasn’t going to let this matter go easily and decided that today, I would tell him exactly how I felt. The mood and the atmosphere complemented my idea like Oreo and cold milk.
We sat by the mat, each of us passing around the delicious breakfast. I envied and cursed everyone for their enjoyment over such a delightful meal. Joey offered me a piece of bread with corned beef and my hands tingled with an uncontrollable urge to reach out to it but I had to restrain myself. Eating at the moment I was in would result into a total disaster!
With each passing moment, I felt a sudden surge and blow coming from within. I could tell that the gas was building up and the more I tried to compress it, the more I provoked it. I began feeling like the bubbles trapped in a shaken Coca Cola can… the pressure building and building!
Joey noticed my weird movements and change of postures on the mat. He leaned in with concern and asked, “Are you okay? You seem to be a bit… uneasy… all alright?”
His words added salt to my wound! Uneasy?! I felt tormented in the gaseous hell but managed to squeak, “Nothing, I just didn’t get a good night’s sleep, that’s all… really!”
He seemed doubtful and eyed me closely with one eyebrow raised up. “If that’s what the problem is then… oookay… Anyway could you get me some ketchup?”
I stood up excitedly like a puppy under his command and went over to the humungous picnic basket to complete “my master’s command”. Humming happily while searching for the ketchup, I leaned further in to search for it. The statement that “a woman’s handbag or any other luggage she carries is as vast as the universe” somehow seemed to apply to my current situation! Searching for it was another mission impossible. I let out a grumpy sigh.
Suddenly, I found half of my body inside the picnic basket. My face glowed brown like the colour of the basket inside and I screamed out for help as I tried to pull my head out not knowing that my hair was stuck to the weaves of the basket. The laughter of my demonic brother roared through the air.
Everyone came over to the basket and I could hear them trying to suppress their laughter. This is, by far, the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me!
My legs were slowly lifted from the ground and I began panicking. I felt someone trying to pull the basket out from the front while someone else tried to pull me out from the other side. I was a rope in their tug-of-war but I didn’t care less who would win. All I wanted was to have gotten out of the basket and thrown my brother onto the horse dung lying nearby the old cabins. The pulling went on for quite some minutes when finally the person holding my legs gave me a sharp tug. A tug that not only set me free but a tug that set the gas building up within me… free! I hoped that the person pulling me out would be my brother so that he would fit into the phrase “In your face!” when the burden within me was released.
I flew out of the basket and landed on my knees. In a confused state of mind, I looked around and saw a sense of panic and unrest as the smell of rotten eggs swarming in the air brought me back to my mind when I finally realized that all this was my doing.
Grandpa Joe screamed out “Somebody call the nurse! We got a man down!”
“Man down?! Which man? You think my bro’s a man?! He’s so immature!”
“I’m… r-r-right… h-he-here baby s-s-ister!” he cackled, rolling over the grass like an irrepressible baby having a sugar rush.
“Wait! If it wasn’t him I bombarded, then w-who…
Joey!”
