The Monster Inside Me

Full story

All characters in this story are fictitious and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

"I look fat." "I look disgusting." "I'm ugly." "Why can't I be beautiful like them?" I would say when I see my reflection in the mirror.

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I was 14 at that time, attending high school in California. I was a straight A student, hence I always came first in class. I didn't have many friends, because most of them believed that I was the "nerdy type". Alison and Becky were the only ones that I could trust. They were my best friends and lived 10 minutes away from my house. We would always study Spanish together and hang out every Saturday. I would always tell them everything. I would always tell them about the lack of relationship with my brother and the arguments I used to hear at night between my parents.

But I had a secret, an obsession, that nobody was aware of; neither my parents nor Alison and Becky. No one knew that I had an obsession for celebrities. That's right. I was obsessed with models that I used to see on the media and how perfect their figure was. I wanted to be like them. I was neither fat nor thin, but I dreamt of having a perfect body like them.

My obsession started shortly after I got my computer, a month before I started school. I would spend hours surfing the internet. I would spend hours searching online magazines, to see how a perfect girl should be. I wanted boys to find me attractive. I wanted to look sexy like Megan, our 21 year-old next door neighbour, who used to change boyfriends every week. I wanted to look beautiful like her. I was jealous. Yeah, I was very jealous, indeed, because I had never been out with a boy or been kissed before.

I would spend my nights crying, knowing that I couldn't be like Megan or like the perfect models on the internet. I used to feel sad and depressed, because I believed that I wasn't beautiful enough like the girls at my school. I couldn't tell my parents how I was feeling since they were planning to get a divorce. I couldn't share my feelings with my brother either. We didn't have a good relationship between us; we were like day and night. And... Alison and Becky... I WANTED to tell them. I really wanted to tell them how I felt about my body, but I didn't want them to feel bad about me. I didn't want them to pity me. I didn't want anybody to pity me.

So in November of 2001, I decided to go on a diet. I started eating less chocolates and junk food, while I started in taking more fruits and vegetables. My parents didn't realise that I was on a diet, because they were so busy with their work routine and the divorce thing.

"Are you on a diet? You look more thin," Alison once asked on a Monday morning. It made me feel so happy. My dream was coming true; I had lost 6 kilos, and I was working to lose more! I would weigh myself everyday to check my progress. I was losing weight in fact, but it wasn't enough. It wasn't enough for me. I wanted to lose 6 more kilos, 10 more kilos, another 10 kilos...

I decided to go on a strict diet, where I would only eat one or two apples every day. Somehow, I knew that it wasn't the right decision, but I didn't want to stop. I would "eat" in my room instead of in the kitchen, witht the excuse that I had to finish my assignments. Instead, I would throw the food in the bin. Then later I would sneak in the kitchen to eat my apple (my meal).

I felt weak and depressed. I didn't know what to do. My obsession was not only affecting me physically, but it was also affecting me mentally and my social life. In fact, I wasn't working hard on my school assignments like I used to, and I even used to skip school sometimes or refuse to hang out with my friends, because I was ashamed to show myself in front of other people.

I decided to tell Alison and Becky. I knew I could trust them. I knew they could help me. They were shocked when I told them that I was starving myself to achieve the perfect body of my dreams. "You have anorexia", said Becky. "You need medical help", added Alison. I didn't want any help. I didn't want doctors to instruct me what I had to do.

A few weeks later, my parents had an appointment with the headmaster of my school, who invited them himself, to discuss the problems that I was facing at school, such as, the low grades I was getting in my assignments and that I was refusing to eat. The headmaster received that information from Alison and Becky, hence he called my parents to warn them that I needed medical help.

My parents didn't have the slightest idea that I could be suffering from anorexia, because they didn't use to spend a lot of time at home. They felt sorry for me, especially since they weren't there for me enough when I needed help, but as they say, it's better late than never.

We found medical help, and the doctors warned me that I had to start gaining weight, because I was one week away from death. I couldn't believe what I had done to myself. I couldn't believe that if, at that moment, I refused to eat, I would die the week after.

I was terrified to gain weight, because I didn't want to look huge, but with the help of my family and friends I started gaining weight slowly. I started gaining my body back. I started hanging out with my friends and working on my assignments.

In my life, I have learnt that every person is beautiful, no matter what his or her size is. I have learnt that nobody is perfect, neither those models (who are photoshopped) in magazines. Our imperfections make us perfect in our own, unique, special way.

Today, I feel so grateful to my friends and parents for their support. Without them, I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be the person I am today. I work as a medical doctor and sometimes I would even host meetings at schools about anorexia and other eating disorders. I work hard to raise awareness about unhealthy obsession that contributes to anorexia and the social, mental and physical effects it leaves on the individual.

Although I am proud to say that I have beat anorexia, unfortunately, I can never get rid of it. It lives with me, because due to the damage I had caused to my body, I am infertile. I can never have my own child, my own blood.

Three years ago I met my partner Jack, who respects me and has accepted me the way I am, regardless the impact anorexia left inside me. Today we live together and have adopted a boy called Jacob, and together we are building a bright future for our family, leaving anorexia behind.

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Written by Kristina Galea

Kristina Galea © All Rights Reserved. This material may not be reproduced, displayed, modified or distributed without the permission of the author.