The Light That Guides You Home

Chapter 7

At 10 minutes to 11, Laura was seated in the waiting room of Dr. Evans practice. He was a board certified psychiatrist and the walls were covered with diplomas and certificates, some of which meant nothing to her. She just knew that he made her feel safe, comfortable, and sane when she talked to him. She'd gone into a deep shock after her family was killed, and hadn't spoken to anyone for more than a week before she slowly started to come back to reality. She had never told anyone what she saw that night, because she had never been able to remember. She thought that if Dr Evans had been around to help her instead of some of the state provided doctors that she had been sent to see, she might have recovered her memories years ago. They only seemed interested in medicating her. Thankfully Aunt Lucinda had been adamantly against medicating a 12 year old girl. She thought I just needed time, Laura though, but I bet she never thought it would take this long for me to remember! Aunt Lucinda, her father's sister, had passed away a little over 3 years ago from a heart attack. She'd raised Laura as though she were her own child from the time of the incident, and Laura still missed her. She'd felt completely alone after her Aunt's death. She had no other family, and no particularly close friends in Colorado. That had been when she decided to move. She'd starting reading travel magazines looking for someplace new to call home, since her writing allowed her the freedom to work from anywhere in the country. It was during one visit to St. Paul to meet with her agent that the idea of staying in Minnesota had taken hold. Toni had become a friend as well as an agent, and the idea of starting over where there was a familiar face not too far away had been appealing.

Her ramble down memory lane was interrupted by Dr. Evans himself. Having stepped out into the front office area to retrieve a chart he spotted Laura and called her to come back to his office. She followed him down the hall and into the office where he always met with her. It did have the comfortable couch that was expected in a psychiatrists office, but she had never used it. She always sat in a comfortable arm chair across the desk from him, and she planted herself there now.

"So," he began, "do you want to fill me in on everything that's been happening since I saw you last?"

"Yes.", Laura answered. "I guess I should explain why I stopped coming, too."

"Only if you want to. You don't owe me any explanation."

"Thanks, but I feel like I do. I was just sitting out there just now thinking about those first months after my family died, when I first went to live with Aunt Lucinda. I saw so many doctors who seemed to see me as a specimen and nothing more. They wanted to fix me at any cost, and sometimes I wonder if my nightmares aren't as much a result of my treatment after the incident as anything else. You've always made me feel like you were actually concerned with my well being, and I really appreciate that. I just felt like you had helped me through so much, that the only thing left was to attempt to recovery my memory of the events of that night. I think part of me wasn't ready to face that, so I decided to stop seeing you. If I didn't come talk to you, there was no one to remind me that I had those buried memories. No one to urge me to try to recover them."

"I'm glad I've been help to help you so far, and that you trust my motives regarding your treatment. I have to assume, however, that something has changed if you've decided to come back."

"You're right, Doctor.", she said and hesitated for a few seconds, trying to decide where to begin. "It's really hard to explain. I just started writing a new book. You know how the frequency of the bad dreams tend to increase in the fall. Well, this fall was nothing new. That was actually sort of a problem."

"How so?", the doctor asked.

"Well, I've already turned all of my recurring nightmares into novels, and I needed something new! I know it sounds crazy, but I've gotten so used to the bad dreams, I can almost force myself to wake up, calm down, and get back to sleep, so they really aren't as much of a bother. I was actually wishing for something new to pop up, and it seems as though I've gotten what I wished for."

"So you're having new nightmares now, not just the same recurring dreams you've been having all these years? Tell me about them."

"I've been seeing my family in my dreams. Mostly Lisa, but I've seen my parents, too." She proceeded to describe the dreams in as much detail as she could remember, telling him only about the dreams, and not mentioning the sightings she had while awake.

"This is significant. It's been 16 years since your family died, and if I'm remembering right, this is the first time you've even dreamt of them. Has anything changed in your life recently that might have triggered this?"

"Well, Ben let me know that the renters in the Colorado house had broken their lease, and he suggested that I put the house on the market instead of looking for new renters. He said it was a good time to sell, and I had actually been considering it. That was after I had the first dream, though. The first time I had been wishing for a new nightmare to give me a new plot line, and then I dozed off at my desk."

"Well, thinking about selling the house could be very significant, even if it wasn't the initial trigger. We have always discussed the possibility of having you return to that house to try to help recovery your memory, when you felt ready. From what you've just told me, as unsettling as seeing your dead sister in that state in your dreams must have been, it doesn't seem as though she was threatening you in any way. Did you feel threatened by her?"

Laura thought about that for a minute, and realized that he had a point. "No, you're right. She didn't try to hurt me, it was just her appearance that scared me. The first time she told me it was time for me to know. I didn't even think about what it was time for me to know, but she was telling me something, not trying to harm me. And the next time, she held me so I couldn't run away, and I think maybe she tried to kiss my cheek."

"I think it's possible that your subconscious is trying to tell you that it's time. Maybe Lisa holding you in place is your mind's way of trying to keep you from running away from memories that you might otherwise find too terrifying to face."

That made perfect sense to her. She didn't like to admit it, but she definitely was afraid of remembering. What if she had seen everything? Did she really want to relive the horror of watching her family be killed? She knew one thing, she didn't want to keep having the waking dreams, and she didn't want to spend the rest of her life wondering when it would be the right time.

"I think you're right Doctor, and I want to do something about it. I'm meeting Ben for lunch. I'd already decided to tell him not to look for new renters, but I'm going to tell him not to put the house on the market until I have a chance to go back there and see what happens. I only wish you could be there when I do. You have a way of making things seem so clear and simple."

"I'll tell you what Laura, I have a few days open next next week. There's a conference I attend every fall in Grand Rapids, but I'll cancel that and come to Colorado with you if we can make the trip then. I don't like to think of you being there to face this completely alone."

"That would be perfect. I would feel so much better having you there for support! I'll make travel arrangements for Tuesday morning and get back to you."

Dr Evans stood and walked Laura to the office door, said goodbye, and then closed the door behind her and returned to his desk to make a private call before seeing his next patient.

"Hi, George? Hey listen, I'm not going to be able to make it to the conference next week. No, but remember that repressed memory case I was telling you about? Yes, that's the one. I'm going to be accompanying her back to her childhood home next week, and I think there's a good chance I'll be able to get enough material for that article the Psychology Journal invited me to write. I know, so I don't want to pass this up. Right, I'll call you later next week and let you know how it goes."