incessantly - van persie

first

robin,

you were so many of my firsts.

most importantly, you were my first true love. what i felt- feel- for you is an emotion so strong, it overpowers common sense and logic. which is why even though i shouldn't love you, i do.

god, how i'd hoped to one day say those two words to you. i guess it just wasn't meant to be.

it kills me to think about this right now (obviously not literally, as i'm still writing this) you and her obviously are. i feel as if everything's so obvious now. what happened to before? what happened to when we could talk without her whining and demanding your attention back?

sometimes i just want to hate her, despise her, loathe her, find a picture of her face to use as a dartboard (you know my aim can be deadly straight); but then i realize it's not all her, it's you, too. you comply to whatever she tells you- commands you- to do and treat her like she's the only girl in the world when she doesn't deserve to be treated like that. you've always been a gentleman, robin. you could do so much better than her.

and i'm not talking about me, because quite frankly, i don't think that i would be good enough for you- you deserve someone who would treat you as great as you would treat them, someone who would let you have a life while being a big part of your life. someone who you could say your wedding vows to and mean all of it and more. someone with whom you could raise maybe three children with, and could grow old and happy with. someone who you would love incessantly, and would love you incessantly in return.

i just described how it would be if it was you and me, but i know that it would- could- never happen, because you don't feel the same way about me. yes, you do love me- you said so three sundays ago, when it was just you and me having coffee in the quaint little café around the corner from my apartment. "aurelia," you said, "i love you. you're the best friend i could ask for. thank you for... for everything."

but, as you said, i'm just a friend. and with the way things are going, it's probably going to be that way until the end of time.

so i'm praying for the end of time.

it's all i can do.

aurelia.

+

paradise by the dashboard light by meat loaf