Changing of the Seasons

The Beginning of the End.

My feet crunched on the gravel as I walked back to the car, struggling to hold back tears. I had made it this far, and I was determined to keep the promise I had made to myself. I would stay strong. If I let my guard down, even for a second, I knew I could kiss my composure goodbye. But I demanded myself to suck it up. I couldn't let him see me this way. Not now. Not after everything I had done to convince him that I was fine. Just put one foot in front of the other, then repeat, I thought to myself. You just have to make it to the car. I continued down the hill, hanging my head as the brisk wind pushed me toward my destination. Every step was torture, and it seemed as though I would never make it before my walls came crashing down.

He was so close to me, yet he had never seemed so far away. We walked in silence. Not surprisingly, our strides matched up perfectly. After being with someone for so long, it's strange just how in sync you become. I shoved my hands in the pockets of my jacket to prevent myself from reaching for his hand out of pure habit. I shivered as another chilly breeze wrapped itself around me and blew my long hair around wildly.

This used to be my favorite park. I had fond memories of coming here in the middle of the night with friends, for nothing more than usual teenage mischief. I remembered the first time Isaac and I came here together. I felt a sad smile escape as I thought of how nervous I was, and how long it took to plan what I wore that night. The irony didn't escape me as I remembered having those same emotions earlier this afternoon as I anticipated this meeting. It had been months since I had seen him. It was the first time since he ended things over the phone about a month ago. Everyone says long distance relationships are hard. But long distance breakups aren't exactly easy either.

I sighed and looked up at the beautiful September sky. I can't let myself go down that rabbit hole now. I have to keep it together. I resigned myself to focus on the task at hand. One foot in front of the other.

I risked a sideways glance at him. Everything about him had become so familiar to me over the past three years, but I never took him for granted. I still don't understand why he chose me. Isaac was perfect. His dark hair fell in front of his gray eyes, and he brushed it back absent mindedly. He was so tall and graceful, but his broad shoulders and toned arms were a testament to his quiet strength. I looked at his face, set in stone. That was the only thing that didn't fit. His eyes were always so kind. Even though he had this air of mystery, whenever I was near him he always granted me a little sideways smile or loving gaze. But now he was so different. Everything had changed.

I had finally reached my car. Well, in all honesty it was his car. Almost everything in my possession was actually ours. I saw the dent in the driver's side door, and the memory came rushing back to me. We were on our way home late at night, when we hit a deer on the curvy mountain roads after visiting our parents for Thanksgiving. I had a full blown panic attack that night, wondering how we were going to pay to fix the damage or get home in time for work the next day. I remember him comforting me the whole way back to my parents as he struggled to keep the car functioning long enough to get us there. He promised me then that we would figure it out, just as we always did. He was my hero. I laughed to myself as I realized that we still hadn't fixed the body damage, and here we were, almost a year later. It's funny how the worst night of your life can turn into one of your favorite memories.

I opened the car door and reached for the little plastic bag that was in the center console. Instead of taking it with me, I stashed it there when I arrived to our meeting, as part of a fleeting hope that I wouldn't need it. I shook my head as I thought of how naive I was. I grabbed the clear bag, refusing to look at its contents as I balled it up in my hand, steeling myself for the one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do. I closed the car door and walked around to him. Isaac was leaning on the trunk as he looked off into the distance, his mind somewhere far away. He turned to me as I approached, with that same cold stare. His eyes fell to my clenched fist, questioning my intentions. I forced a little reassuring smile as I met his gaze and held my hand out, waiting for him to take my most prized possession from me. I watched him as he realized what the bag contained, and his eyes changed from confusion to something else that I hadn't seen before. Was it a hint of anger? He shook his head and turned away from me. But I was determined to do this. I would never be able to move on as long as I had this.

"Take it, please." I begged. He turned back towards me, and I forced myself to meet his icy stare with what I hoped was confidence. Confidence that I was making the right decision, regardless of the internal battle raging inside my mind. "Just keep it," he countered coldly. "I don't want it, and besides, I gave it to you."

"I don't need this, and I know what it means to you. Your grandmother wanted you to give this to your future wife. If that's not me, I don't deserve to have it." I tried to compose my face so that he wouldn't see how badly this simple act tore me to pieces. I lifted my hand a little higher, insisting.

Isaac watched me for what seemed like an eternity. Then he slowly grabbed the bag out of my hand and immediately shoved it into his pocket.

The moment the ring left my hand I felt a huge weight lift from my chest. It was gone. Immediately I felt the walls that I had worked so hard to keep up crash down around me. I felt my knees buckle as I leaned on the car for support. The tears that strained against my resolve finally broke the surface, and I felt them stream down my face. It was over. Officially over. I choked back the sobs as I tried to turn on my heel and get out of there. It was then that I felt his arms around me. Even though I knew it was just a simple gesture, I felt myself fall into his embrace. His familiar scent came rushing back to me. I felt him straining against me, at the same time he was trying to comfort me, as if he was fighting an inward battle too. But that had to be wishful thinking.

Isaac had already told me how he felt. He didn't love me anymore, simple as that. It's no one's fault, these things happen, right? But I never thought this would happen to us. To me. I felt in my core that his hug wasn't what I wanted it to be. It wasn't Isaac coming to his senses and realizing he loved me all along and this was all just some terrible mistake. This was his goodbye. The person I loved most was about to blink out of my life forever. But I let myself linger in this last embrace until he broke the silence. "I still care about you. I know you'll be ok." And just like that the magical moment was over. I stepped back, away from him, away from the man that my entire being was fighting me for. It was then that I felt the anger wash over me. It was so unfair. I had always been there for him. I was understanding and patient, even when I didn't want to be. I tried to make it work when he left me in a city three hours away. I believed him when he said this was temporary. I believed him when he said he was coming back. When he said we could do this, that we were stronger than the distance. And that he would never leave me. The rush of anger gave me the strength to walk away. I got in my car, tears still streaming down my face, and drove away as fast as I could, kicking up dust and gravel. I was trying to outrun my feelings, and failing miserably.