Flawed ✗ jimberlake

O N E

I gazed at my phone, reading the text over and over again, making sure I wasn't reading it wrong. I crinkled my brow; perplexed. I wasn't sure how to feel at the moment. The feelings that I got when I thought about Justin started kicking in again. In '09, when I first started having feelings for him, I thought it all was just my mind playing tricks on me; but now I know that for over five years, I was lying to myself.

I am gay for my best friend.

I threw my phone onto the other side of the bed and ran my fingers through my hair. I threw the covers off of me and sauntered to Winnie and Frances' room. They weren't in their cribs; Nancy must've took them out. I then made my way downstairs, where the smell of bacon wafted through my nose.

"You're finally awake, sleepyhead," Nancy said before I even saw her. She was sitting at the dining room table with Franny in her high chair and Winnie sitting in her lap. I forced a smile before sitting next to her, holding my arms out for Winnie. Nancy slowly handed her to me. I wrapped my arms around her, placing a lingering kiss on her forehead.

When Winnie was born, I felt like that was a way to refresh my mind; I thought that maybe Nancy and I having a child would maybe rekindle my thoughts about Justin. The thing is, it never did.

"Want something to eat, James?" Nancy asked, taking a bite of her pancake. I slowly shook my head, not having enough mental strength to speak. I bounced Winnie up and down on my leg before handing her back to Nancy. I got up from my chair and darted back upstairs. I grabbed my phone and quickly texted Justin back:

Me: Is Jessica home?
Read 12:34 AM

I was curious enough to ask this because I needed to see him; we have to talk this through.

Within seconds, I got a text back:

Justin: No, why?

Me: We need to talk.
Delivered

              
                                ----

I pulled up the driveway to Justin's temporary McMansion for the time he's in the city, taking a moment to ponder before taking the key out of the ignition and getting out of the car. I slammed the car door behind me before hopping up his doorsteps. I rung the doorbell, anxious for the door to open.

Moments later, the door swung open to a rather disheveled-looking Justin. His hair was vaguely tousled and he was still in his pajamas. For what seemed like an eternity, he just sat there and gaped at me with his blue eyes. He finally stepped aside to let me in. I tentatively stepped foot into his house, looking down at my feet. I felt the need to avoid his eye contact as much as I could.

"So, what--why did you need to see me?" He stammered, perching on his couch. I sat down next to him, folding my hands.

"Why?" Was the only thing I could manage to say.

"Why what?"

"Why do you love me?" I said again, this time my tone became involuntarily cold. "The text you sent me---"

"I know," He interrupted. "Do you know what happened last night? Did you remember anything?"

Mentioning last night made chills run up my spine. "Yeah, I remember," I pursed my lips, lowering my eyes to the ground. "It's hard to not remember."

Justin paused. "When did you start..." He stopped, knowing that I knew what he was about to ask me. I feel like ever since I blurted out that I had feelings for him made our friendship...awkward. I mean, look at us: we're having trouble searching for words to say to each other. I closed my eyes, letting my throbbing hungover eyes rest. I steepled my hands and opened my eyes again, finding enough courage to look Justin in the eyes.

"A while," I murmured, rubbing my face. I considered just sobbing on the spot, but refrained. "When did you start..." I let him finish the puzzle.

Justin ran his fingers backward through his hair, making it the habitual slicked-back look. "Too long."

As if on cue, the front door opened. I turned my head to see that it was Jessica; she was holding a bunch of groceries with Silas held in a holder in the front of her. "Hey guys. What's new?" She asked as she approached us, shutting the door closed with her elbow.

"Nothing," Justin hopped up and grabbed half of the groceries out of her hands and placed them on the dining room table. "Just hanging." He came back out, once again sitting down next to me. Instead of being irritated, I was actually relieved that Jessica interrupted us. All Justin and I were exchanging were exasperated sighs.

"I'm gonna get going," Before he could stop me, I started for the door and quickly walked out of his house. I inhaled sharply before starting for my car.

                    ----

As I was driving home, Bye Bye Bye by NSync blared through the speakers. I chewed on my bottom lip, slowly thrusting my arm out and changing the channel.

Not much longer after that, I approached my house. I got out of my car as soon as I parked my car in the driveway, putting my key in the lock and unlocking the door. As soon as I walked into the house, there Nancy was standing right in front of the door. Before I could close the door, her lips crashed into mine.

When Nancy and I first started dating, I would get this rush in my chest whenever we kissed. Of course, as my crush on Justin immersed, that feeling eventually faded. Whenever we kissed nowadays, I felt nothing. I knew I should feel sparks, but I didn't. And I don't think I'll ever get those feelings for Nancy back with Justin persistently on my mind.

"Do you want to try?" Nancy said, breaking the kiss. She draped her arms around my neck, looking me in the eyes with her innocent ice eyes.

"Try what?" I asked, even though I knew exactly what she meant.

"Try to conceive," She gave me a wry smile.

On the night of our wedding, Nancy had told me that she wanted to try to conceive right away---of course that was before I started to realize my feelings for Justin---and the whole night was so passionate. I knew that I was finally going to get what I wanted; the perfect, write-in-my-journal wife that I had been looking for for half my life, and having kids; pieces of our genes in one person. After nearly a month after our wedding, we got no symptoms that we were eating for two. We tried and tried innumerable times, but we got no luck. We eventually went to the doctor, and they told us the news that are in a married couple's worst nightmare; we can't have kids. Nancy has a blockage in her Fallopian tubes. She was so disappointed and worried that I didn't want her anymore because she couldn't give me what I wanted that I was paranoid that she was going to leave me. To this day, nine years later, Nancy still wants to try and conceive.

"Uh, n-not tonight," I stammered, wriggling out of her grip. I rubbed my hair, making it mussed. I could feel Nancy's eyes glaring at me.

"What's going on with you?" She said in a perturbed tone. "This past week you've been so...cold. Is it m---"

"No, Nance, it's not you!" I snapped, turning around to face her. I had just then realized what I did and my eyes started to well up; every time I snapped at Nancy, it was always involuntary, and then I don't know who to blame.

I took one step closer to her until our faces were inches apart. "Nancy, I'm---" She walked away before I could finish my sentence. A tear streamed down my cheek, and all of a sudden I was riled up. Letting my anger out, I slammed my fist into the wall, an obstreperous bang sounding. I unclenched my fist, letting out an aggravated breath. A cry sounded from the girls' bedroom; I startled them. I was so angry at myself; my head was spinning. My jaw quivered, squeezing my eyes shut. I then opened the front door, slamming it behind me, letting out the last bit of anger. I let all the tears I had been holding in out as I climbed into my car. I stared at the steering wheel, throwing a punch at it, the honk sounding. I put the key in the engine, my car roaring to life. I revved the engine up, pulling out of the driveway.

----

Roaming in my car through the highway, the one split second I look down and close my aching eyes, there was this sudden push of my car. My head shot up and I looked at the windshield. My car was spinning until there was a sudden stop. My head hit the window, and my vision blacked out.