While I Should Be Sleeping

August 24, 2015 1:27am

It's 1:30am and I'm alone.... again. No, not really; not physically. You're sleeping peacefully right beside me but that means nothing. It does nothing to quiet the screaming silence. I'm alone... Again. How is it that I always end up here? Awake, Alone (physically or mentally) questioning my place in the world. I can say I have finally found it, by your side. But on nights like this, when you're sprawled out carelessly and I find myself hopelessly clinging to your sleeping form, praying for relevance, begging for attention, i'm taken back. Back to those days I spent my time hiding out in the dark corners of 3am. Back to the odd interlacing feelings of loneliness, desperation, and longing. Wanting to belong somewhere, anywhere to someone, anyone. And here comes the tears. Why am I crying? Is it because no matter how far I THINK I've crawled away from the dark pits of solitude, I'm reduced to a sniveling child, longing for a place in the world. Pathetic. It's just , I can't be sure. I need you to tell me what I mean to you, how important I am, how you need me. I need to feel as if I am a part of this world. As if I mean something. But on the nights when I'm left alone with my thoughts, you're not here to shush them. I'm living my worst nightmare every night, when you're off dreaming.