Roman Holiday

Lauren

I can't stay here like this, trying to talk. I'm not me right now.

I don't know what came over me. My face is hot and sticky with sweat. I'm shaking so slightly. I can't stomach an iced coffee. Normani has concern written all over her face. Her voice sounds so uncertain, like she doesn't know what's going on. I don't either. She's so nice and caring and she doesn't deserve me having a panic attack right in front of her. I have to say something.

"Normani, I'm not feeling so good. I have to go home. Right now. I'm so sorry," I scoop some money out of my pocket, "Please take this. And my coffee. Thank you, but I don't feel good."

"It's no big deal. Do what you gotta do," she smiles, "Feel better!"

"Thank you so much," I hug her briefly and walk away. She stays inside. Doesn't follow me.

I turn the radio down quietly. It's some alternative station that I'm not going to change. I feel like a cardboard cutout. Like a cheap ripoff of Lauren Jauregui. I'm just not here. What do I have to do to feel better?

Once I get home, I immediately go up to my room, and search up Normani's name. I find Twitter, Instagram, Facebook. I go on Twitter and scroll as far back as I can. Nothing but a lot of retweets. She doesn't tweet very much unless it's about music:

Something isn't right. Something just won't click. I go on Instagram. A lot of selfies. A picture or two of her meeting a famous artist. She could be a model. She's really so pretty.

Nothing on Facebook. Seriously. Just a lot of her mom posting pictures on her wall. My head is spinning. There's something I can't figure out about her.

And then it hits me.

Normani's the Luke girl.

Luke was a senior when she was a sophomore. He was kind of the campus perv. He made a big deal out of dating this younger black girl. It was disgusting. Normani was always bossy with him, and it was probably the one time in his life that he didn't get what he wanted. Luke didn't get a cute submissive Juliet for once. This is all what I've heard from people who are not Luke or Normani.

But one day, right after school, outside of the doors, Normani broke up with Luke. And then he hit her. And she hit him right back. Punching and kicking. I was reading Ernest Hemingway on a bench. They started wrestling. Honestly, they were even in strength. It was satisfying, watching her braids whip him in the face. But they really went at it. I remember teachers trying to pull them apart.

Normani got detention, but not much other punishment because it was self defense. Luke got suspended and banned from the sports program. Not good for his college applications.

Now, I suppose to be he really upset Luke, because he started drinking a lot. You could tell that he was hungover. His eyes became bloodshot. He started dating Cindy, who dresses like Courtney Love and has long, stringy bleached hair. No colleges would have him. He was an alcoholic who kept getting suspended. That's why I think it couldn't have been that much of an accident when his car spun out of control as his car drunkenly spun out of control in the pouring rain:

Luke died in a car crash six months after Normani dumped him, in April. Just four months ago. 

From what I can see, Normani recovered surprisingly well. I mean, it was only four months ago. Did she have a mourning period at all? Did she mourn over this abusive asshole? How does that work?

I have to talk to her. But I don't have her number. I do have her friend's. Tatianna's. I used to be friends with her in middle school. Is it awkward, then? No, I don't care.

L: hey, this is tatianna, right?

T: hey!! 

T: yeah sure thing

L: what's Normani's number?

The second Tatianna reveals it, I call Normani. She doesn't pick up. I call a second time.

"Um...hi?" Her voice sounds through the receiver.

"Hi, it's Lauren. Sorry about earlier. Something wasn't sitting with me right."

"Was it the coffee? It is off brand."

"No, it was...can I ask you a question?"

"Yeah."

"You dated Luke."

Silence. "That's not a question."

"Normani, no offense but...he didn't die very long ago."

More silence. "Lauren, I'm not very close to you."

This time, I'm silent. "I'm sorry."

"I guess I didn't have time to mourn over my abuser."

"Normani, I'm so..."

"He's not a good fucking person, Lauren. His family was okay. He wasn't a troubled soul...he was an abuser. He's abusive. Don't get anything wrong about him. He is nothing to me. He ain't worth shit."

"Okay. Thank you."

"I'm not an angry person. I'm not a sad person. I'm at peace. I've come to terms with myself as quickly as one can do. Don't get anything wrong about me, girl." She hangs up. Maybe accidentally. 

I think I went in too deep, too quickly. I'm just not sure what I'm going to do about it.