Roman Holiday

Normani

T: it's kind of nerdy that you have a hairspiration board

I pull down a picture of Nicki's high black ponytail.

N: When do you shut up bih 

The group conversation is me and my two best friends. The T is for Tatianna, who you can spot by her shortness, thick black hair, pouty lips, and brown Cambodian skin. Kira is black and Japanese with big , curly hair that contrasts her quietness. We all met freshman year. There was another girl named Lexis, but we dropped her for tempting the guy Kira liked at the time. It seems a little petty now but she was also pretty annoying, so I don't feel bad about it.

K: wait, r we just gonna ignore mani yesterday?

T: What about the ho

K: she was lookin all cute wit ha face beat, and her "summer haircut"

N: Nooooooo, stop

K: she wouldn't stop looking at the jauregui girl

T: Who?

K: the jauregui softball player girl

T: With the nice booty?

N: Tati, you say that about everyone 

T: it's true in weho

K: GUYS NORMANI HAS A CRUSH

N: ho ima slap you

N: stop being fake & spreading rumors about me

T: AWWWWWW

N: this is so harassment 

N: I'm leaving 

I turn my phone off. They would leave if I wasn't talking to them. Hopefully.

Kira and Tatianna know I'm a lesbian, but most other people don't. That's why I want to date a girl. To show everyone.

Everybody knows me by Luke. I have to bite my tongue when I hear his name. I've had that name spelt out in front of me for the past year. I can't say it out loud. But I imagine it would scrape my throat coming up, burn my tongue as it rolled off it. That name is a huge, hot metal ball. It's heavy. I don't want to hold it.

That's all a fippy-dippy way of saying I hate Luke so much and I never want to see him again.

I was gay before I met Luke. Maybe that's why it was so terrible. I wonder if a straight girl, or a bi girl, or a pan girl would have found it so terrible. I wonder-

I have to cut myself off. Tears are stinging my face without me realizing. I immediately start wiping my cheeks. God. What if my mom walked in just then? Is this gonna happen every time I think about him?

Pulling on my shoes, I yell to my mom down the hall, "I'm going to go on a drive."

"Where to?"

"Lilly's Bookstore, mom," I have to clarify it's a bookstore, or else my mom will be going off for days about how I never introduce her to my friends.

After she shouts her approval, I'm on my way down the street.  I don't even know what I'm wanting to buy. Maybe a coffee. They have good coffee. 

It's probably about five minutes away. Outside, the streets are filled with people holding organic juices and the hot, dry sun. You know how people say everyone in LA is annoying? Kind of the same as West Hollywood. Or presumably anywhere in California. It's a pretty irritating state.

The bookstore is pristine as ever, completely white, geometric shelves. I wander around, pretending that I'm looking at stuff.

And then I see her.

Lauren Jauregui, picking out books in a mesh crop top and shorts. I can see her stomach, just a bit as she reaches up. Why do I keep seeing her? Oh right, I've always seen her. We live pretty close and go to the same school. But an unexplainable force tells me to talk to her. Closer. Closer. Never mind. I hadn't even turned around since I last caught a glimpse of her. I'm glued to the edge of the bookshelf. What if it's not her? Oh God. I pretend to be looking at books. Self help books? Why is she- Why am I looking at self-help novels? How am I going to explain this? Oh my god, what if when we're dating, I have to say we met in the self-help section in a bookstore? 

We aren't a going to date. I remind myself. I'm not in love with her or anything.

I look over at her, and she looks frozen. I start turning around. Is everybody frozen or something. No. I can't quite see her face. Her hair is straightened, piled over her left shoulder, blocking my view. 

"Hey, are you Lauren?" I say calmly. Great start.

"Oh, hi, uh, hello," she melts back into life, quickly shoving the book back on the shelf.

"You are Lauren, right?" I'm 220% sure it so her, but I have nothing else to say.

"Yes, sure thing," she smiles and pushes her hair behind her shoulder. Is she getting flustered? Her chin curls into her neck as she smiles tentatively. I want to massage her or something, homegirl is so tense.

"Do you want me to buy you an iced coffee or something?" I offer.

"Well, I can't turn that down," she giggles. But I don't; it makes me think she doesn't want it at all. I have to make small talk now. I have to be interesting. Maybe I shouldn't have offered.

So when we're awkwardly walking to the coffee bar I realize I haven't even paid attention to my outfit once all day. I stare down at myself. It's a blue floral romper. The girls look good, sitting upfront. What if it's too much? At least a million thoughts are running through my mind at the moment. Normally I'm an extrovert, easy to talk to. I could cut the air with a cheese knife right now. The tension is so thick. 

Lauren sits down at the bar and suddenly I feel like we're at a club and we've been dancing all night and Rihanna (I love Rihanna) is blaring through the speakers and that's why she's sweating. But we're not. We're at an exceedingly low-key bookstore slash coffee bar. 

It's very noticeable. Beads of sweat trickling down her face. Her eyes are somewhere else. Girl, she's on another planet. 

"Lauren? Um, Lauren? Hello?" I say to break the silence.

All of a sudden, she's back. "I'm sorry, did you say something? I'm...I'm...I'm really..."

"Slow down. You just looked out of it."

She brings a palm to her forehead. "Oh my God. I'm sorry. Really, that was not good. I don't...I don't know."

"You zoned out. You're back now. Don't worry?" I utter a tiny laugh and pat her on the back. 

You know how people say some other people are hard to get through to? To get through to Lauren, you have to build a rocket ship and fly it to the moon and strip down naked and try to survive without crippling into a tiny bar of space dust and then dig through the moon to the other side. I don't know if I'm quite there yet.