Babbles

Drain

Why do I keep feeling that pull? That pull which signals my upcoming failure to live life. The pull of no motivation, no energy, and ultimately no happiness. No matter how I go about my day, I get home, and it drags me down. As soon as I sit, my willpower escapes me, as though it does not believe I am worthy of its company.
I thought I had escaped, made it over my walls, learned how to thrive. But maybe I don't want to thrive. At the same time, I don't want to sink either. So why then, do I not start to swim, or even just float? My task list grows every day. I've stopped making it shrink, even though it sends guilt and stress coursing throughout my mind. It's a horrible cycle, and it's times like this that I can't see my desire to break out of it. This isn't the pattern I want my life to take, but I can't muster enough lift to break the cycle.
There isn't a way for others to help. Every friend has meant it when they said I could tell them anything, that they would be there for me. I know that they would, but I also know that talking about it to people like them makes it worse. I just can't seem to find a friend that can help me, that truly makes me feel as though I can melt away with them. I want to stop making unbalanced friendships, but I don't know how.
But maybe it's nothing. Maybe it's mono. Maybe it's more of my imagination. Maybe I need to take a break from myself. I just want to have one me, not so many switches. I don't want to be two different people in the same mind. What do I want? I think it's someone who can inspire me the way I have inspired others. But maybe I'm just too me for me to accept anyone like that. Maybe I can't. I guess I'll have to take the road less traveled by, and hope that I can dare to be myself, if I can figure that out by the time I get there.