Purely Arrogant | ✓

Chapter 12: Condemnation

Whilst I had assumed many weeks ago that school would be the most horrible place on the face of this Earth, and that I would loathe every moment of it, I didn't expect to enjoy the aspect of the place I once labeled hell, let alone enjoy the company of those I once used to detest. Whilst yes, one of the days of school that I had actually attended since September consisted of me enduring a panic attack, I could safely say that I wasn't hating it as much as I had believed I would.

Finding somebody to talk to, somebody who had no idea about my conditions, my insecurities, the things that had been defining me for the past three years of my life, felt relieving. But it felt dangerous at the same time. It felt as if it were the most precious thing in my world, and that it could be snatched away from me at any given moment.

And that, was my definition of terrifying.

Over the course of the last few days it was safe to say I had gotten a lot closer to Levi, finally having the ability to know him as a real human and not as the disruptive boy who sat at the back of the class in History and English. And yes, he still needed to work on his approach, his so called flirting skills, but I did notice that he wasn't an all-around terrible person, which made it both easier and harder to be around him.

It was nice knowing that there was one other person in my life who had the ability to make me smile, regardless of how long or why they were actually in my life. But it was a frightening thought knowing that a simple slip of his hand, wrong seating, anything, could cause a panic attack-right there in front of him.

It doesn't take a genius to recognise the signs of claustrophobia and post traumatic stress disorder.

It was a chilling thought knowing a simple mistake and everything would change. If he knew about my problems and if he actually decided to continue befriending me, he would do everything that made me turn away from my best friends from the beginning. He would step around me, he would be afraid of breaking me and he would never speak to me as if I were normal ever again

And I don't know whether I was ready to risk all of that.

Although recently, I my panic attacks were at the least they had ever been. I had avoided the wrong places and the wrong people and everything seemed to have been going smoothly. I honestly couldn't remember the last time I had one. I went to the doctors who said that it was a good sign, they lessened my pills by one, telling me to try it out for a week or so. I was beginning to slightly feel normal.

However my sense of normality faded away almost as soon as a pillow hit my head, considering I couldn't get more than an hours sleep at a time before I got a nightmare. Each nightmare was worse than the last and honestly I was beginning to feel like I was fourteen again, which was terrifying considering I could easily say that fourteen was the worst year of my life.

All my nightmares started and ended the same. They started with me tentatively falling asleep, afraid of the dreams I would have to endure once I had dozed off, and ended with me covered in sweat, tears plastered all over my face. The nightmares were supposed to get easier, but they weren't.

And that scared me.

"Get up! Get up! Get up!" Eliza screamed basically bursting through the room.

Throughout the past few days of school, all Eliza had been doing was avoiding Jordan. She had been forcing me to eat in the Library with her, to go home straight away with her, and whenever she shared a lesson with Jordan, she would be first one to be in the class and the first to leave the class. That way he wouldn't be able to speak to her.