Sleeping Death

A Father's Love

I sit in the center of the dojo with my legs crossed. The tears have subsided...for now. I had always hoped that I would never be faced with this situation. I had hoped that my sons would outlive me. I suppose that in my heart I had always known the dangers. I had always feared this day would come. That even now, after all these years, death would continue to haunt me. But even though I had acknowledged the possibility, I swore to myself that I would not allow it happen.

Yet it has. My son is gone. My second child. I like to think that each of my sons is a reflection of myself, in one way or another. Raphael was my fire, my strength, my determination.

As the tears began anew I stood, knowing that I would not be able to meditate any further. I glanced over at the picture on the shelf: the one of me, Tang Shen, and Miwa. It all came flooding back, the pain, the tears. But this time it hurt even more. I had raised Raphael. I watched him play with his brothers as a toddler. I smiled as he held onto my robes and trailed after me wherever I went. I coddled him when he was upset. I held him close to my heart, the same as I did his brothers.

And now he was gone. His bright, beautiful flame snuffed out roughly by Shredder.

I keened and fell to my knees. Raphael's loss has left me hollow. Part of my heart was ripped out mercilessly as Shredder took yet another child from me. More tears wet my face. Your death will not be in vain, my child. I swear it. This war will end. I know that you are gone, but you will never be forgotten, not by me, not by your brothers. We will forever carry your strength with us.

Slowly I stood and proceeded to the lab where Raphael's body lay. Fresh tears gathered as I stared at his still and pale form. I sat in the chair beside his body and ran a soft hand across his forehead and down the side of his face. "Raphael..." I wept softly my tears falling and dripping down his rigid features. "My son...I will always love you little one. I know that you have moved beyond this world...I am sorry there was nothing I could do to save you. Oh, my little child, I fear that this loss will destroy me. I had hoped that it would be the four of you who out-lived me. But...it was not to be." My hand stroked his cheek softly. "I will never forget you, my child. I know that you will forever walk beside us. You will always be a part of me."

More torrents of tears flooded my face. "And though I did not say it to you before, I hope that you can hear my words." I bit back the urge to wail in grief. "I was so very proud of you, my son. So incredibly proud of the turtle you had become. I was blessed to have had you in my life, Raphael. I will miss you more than you can imagine. This is not goodbye, little one, I promise you that. I will see you again." I choked out before leaning down and pressing a soft kiss to his forehead. With that final farewell, I jumped to my feet and turned toward the lab door, only to stop short.

Leonardo, Donatello and Michelangelo all stood in the doorway, staring at me, their expressions soft and pained. I pushed my way past them and exited the lab. I could feel the three of them trailing behind me slowly. As soon as we were all in the main room, I turned to them. "Is there something you needed, my sons?" I asked levelly. I had no doubt that the three of them had heard what I'd said and I know that I must look rather haggard. With long tear streaks running down my cheeks and matting my fur, that was hardly a surprise. Michelangelo frowned sadly at me, small tears springing up in the corner of his eyes. Tentatively, the youngest took a few steps forward and shuffled his feet. I rolled my shoulders back and left myself open in invitation. As expected, my youngest son barreled into me full force and nearly knocked me off my feet.

I held Michelangelo close to my chest as he sobbed, and within seconds, I found two more teenage turtles clinging to my robes. I tried comforting them to the best of my ability, but pretty soon I, too, was crying as I pressed my remaining sons close. I do not think they realized that they were comforting me as much as I was comforting them.

Finally, after a long period of sobbing, Leonardo and Donatello pulled away. Michelangelo was still clinging to me desperately and I did my best to ease his pain. Even though I knew I could not succeed. I had lost a son, and the turtles have lost a brother. That kind of pain will not fade easily.

I glanced over at Leonardo as he cleared his throat loudly. "Sensei—" For whatever reason, Leonardo seemed to be having trouble finding the right words. But finally, he went on, "Father...please, let us go after Shredder."

I stumbled backwards in shock for a moment before my eyes narrowed. "Absolutely not!"

"That bastard killed my brother! And I am not about to stand by and let him get away with that!" Leonardo shouted, his fists clenching angrily.

I shuffled towards him and placed a calming hand on his strong shoulder. "I cannot allow you to go, my son. Please, I beg of you, heed my orders. I will not lose any more of you to the Shredder."

His dark blue eyes narrowed dangerously at me. I immediately sensed something snapping inside of my eldest son. Leonardo had always been especially protective of Raphael for the simpler fact that he was the red-masked turtle's only older brother. Raphael's death has derailed him. I can see in his eyes that he hungers for revenge, and that worries me. He has lost his ability to be rational. He is acting simply on impulse, on emotion, like Raphael.

Leonardo glares at me as he growls, "You said you wouldn't let his death be in vain. And yet you're just going to sit here, while Shredder's out there?!"

"No, my son. I cannot allow Shredder to get away with this. I promise you Leonardo, Oroku Saki will pay very deeply for your brother's death. I said his death wouldn't be in vain and I meant it. I will see to it that Saki dies at my hand for murdering my child. But I will not allow you and your brothers to risk yourselves further by accompanying me."

All three turtles stared wide-eyed as they realized what I was saying.

Finally Donatello spoke first, his voice soft and hushed. "But Sensei...if you go alone...even if you defeat Shredder...his henchmen will kill you."

I looked down, not wanting to face their gaze. "It is a small price to pay for your safety and for your brother's peace."

"Father no..." Michelangelo whimpered.

I smiled endearingly at him and cupped his face softly. "Hush little one. I have made my decision." I pulled them close to me yet again into a tight embrace. "I love you all, my sons."

I kissed each of them on the forehead, lovingly, as I had done when they were children. "So much." I added beneath my breath, "...more than life itself."