Hidden in the Depths

Chapter 37

"Maybe," a voice said from the hallway. All four of them turned to look, seeing Tubbo standing there. His eyes were puffy, like he had been crying. "But he was still my father."

The words had left Tubbo's mouth before he fully realized he was even speaking up. They hung in the air longer than he expected, heavier than he wanted them to be. For himself, and for his friends. A confession that after everything, all the things they went through and argued about and confusing feelings, he still cared a little for the man that was supposed to love him, but never did. That for some reason it still hurt when they talked about him, that his grief hadn't stopped yet. That despite hating his father so badly, he still grieved the chances he could have had to understand just why he was treating him the way he did.

No one interrupted his quiet, spiralling train of thought. No one rushed to respond or defend what they had been saying this whole time. And somehow, that silence hurt more than if they had. Because it felt more... isolating.

He stood there in the hallway, fingers curled into the fabric of his sleeves, staring at the floor because looking at any of them felt impossible right now. It wasn't like he didn't know what they had read, their discussions had become pretty loud. Screaming even, in some parts. Luckily Techno had slept right through those... But it did leave Tubbo alone as he listened to all the different things his friends found on that PDA.

The reports about the Federation, the decisions his father made that caused the crash, the cover up like it was nothing. He wasn't blind to the damage his father had caused even before the crash. The choices he had made, the lives that had been treated like numbers on a screen. But he wasn't mad at them for being upset. Anyone that wasn't directly related to the Captain would never feel any guilt about being glad he didn't survive. Maybe a little about just how he passed, but nothing more.

Yet after all the terrible things he had done, that was still his father. And a tiny part of himself still clung to the grief he had felt on the island.

He swallowed, throat tight. "I'm not saying he didn't do anything wrong," Tubbo mumbled quietly, more to the room in general than to anyone in particular. He had to say this out loud. To justify himself. Explain himself. "I just..." His voice faltered, and he stopped himself before it could break fully. Don't cry... not in front of them. "I don't know how... he's still my family..." Still, no one spoke. It took several moments of uncomfortable glances before Fit stood up and approached the teen.

Tubbo didn't move, knowing that whatever would happen, at least Fit wouldn't be mad. Gently, he placed his hands on Tubbo's shoulders, unsure if he wanted to be pulled into a hug or not. "And you're not wrong for it, I promise. You grew up with him. Of course you wouldn't want to hear other people wishing death on him." Tubbo shook his head no, a quiet sob forcing its way out before he crashed forward and hid his face in Fit's chest. He was immediately wrapped in protective arms, shielding him from view from the other three people in the room.

He hated this... he hated this so much. How he just couldn't let go. How he still cried for a man that never cared about him. Even in his final report he clearly showed just how much of a monster he was. And still, Tubbo cried when hearing he died. Still, he cries now when hearing not just his father's final orders, but what the team openly thought about him. He cried over and over whenever his father came up, no matter how often they go through this dance. Just how many more would it take before it goes away? How long until it all stops and he doesn't have to start at zero again?

Fit gently hushed him, stroking fingers through his hair and untangling some of the forming knots. The blonde dye was really starting to fade now, leaving only his normal brown hair behind. He had liked his two toned hair so much... "I'm sorry you had to hear that... we should have been more quiet."