'Will it be ok?' I thought to myself, 'How could he say that? This definitely wasn't okay.' Onew had fallen asleep, along with the other members, and I decided to take my leave. I picked up my handbag, pulled on my coat and walked out, locking the door behind me.
With the help of my taxi, I arrived back at my apartment in a few minutes.
I found myself collapsed on my bed as soon as I got home, away with my thoughts. I stared blanly at the roof before my eyes.
Minutes of silence passed as I stayed completely still, not seeing any point in moving. Eventually, I sat up, reaching my hand across the bed, grabbing my handbag. I rummaged around, looking for what I had been given earlier on in the day. There was no point in looking at them again, but I just wanted to see... I wanted to see the mistake I had made.
I pulled out the envelope, and spilled the contents out onto my bed. I picked up the images and stared hard, shaking my head, feeling ashamed.
"So much for staying out of the spotlight." I spoke sarcastically to myself.
I looked back at the photo. The photo of Onew and I..
A fan. An angry fan. There really is no privacy for idols these days. No safety...
I thought back to the meeting. A certain sentence rung in my head. "You have two choices. Either you come out as a couple to the public... Or you end it.... Onew, I hope you make the right decision." The tone of voice the president used was so stern, so scary. He obviously wanted us to end it. Scandals like this never ended well. For me, there wasn't a choice, I had to end it.
I knew it had to end, I knew we could not be a couple. It would be as if I was an idol, no privacy, cameras always on me, I couldn't do that. I promised myself.
But leaving Onew, would ruin everything. Could I do it? Could I stay, if it meant I had to face the media? But that was the reason I became a dance instructor instead of an idol, because of the media. Because I was afraid.
No. No I cant. It has to end.
With my mind made up, I put down the photos and rested my head to the pillow, eventually falling into a restless sleep.
I woke up the next day reluctantly and got ready, ready to face the day. I made my way to the SM building, and waited for Onew to arrive.
I saw Shinee's van pull up, and the doors open. Onew made his way towards me, but he did not look sad, like myself, he looked honestly happy. He smiled as he approached me, and entered my embrace, hugging me tightly. I pulled away, furrowing my eyebrows in confusion. I pulled Onew by the arm, leading him into a room that was unoccupied.
"What are you doing? Are you crazy? What if people saw us?" I spoke with a hint of anger as Onew looked taken aback.
"What? Why does it matter?" Onew stared at me in confusion.
I didn't reply, instead I just stared at him and tilted my head to the side, signalling my own confusion.
Onew spoke,"Wait. Surely not." He looked around a little, anger finding its way to is face. "You were going to end it? Don't worry about what the president said, its not a big deal." His voice was raised, as if he was almost yelling.
"Do you seriously think that's it? You don't think there was another reason?" I spoke louder then I meant to.
Onew's face softened, staring blankly at the ground as his mind ticked over.
As he thought it over, he realized the reason. He realized it was because of the publicity. Because I couldn't handle it.
"So. You.. You can't do it?" Onew spoke carefully and softly, knowing how I was feeling.
He came closer to me, and pulled my head up to meet his. "You really can't? You know that that can't happen to you..." He paused a little, being careful of his words. "We have been over this. What happened was an accident. I helped you for years. Is it still a fear? You told me that you were ok now." Onew became sad as he spoke, bringing up old memories. He knew it hurt me, he could see it on my face.
I remained silent, my eyes closing, holding back tears. Onew hugged me a little then, showing his support, and pulled away.
"Your sister. What happened to her cannot happen to you. You know that." Onew talked some more. I hadn't talked about this in so long, and everytime, it hurt as if it happened yesterday. "She was loved. She was loved by many, and I know that she loved you. She wouldnt want her little sister to be afraid, not after all the things you used to tell her." He smiled a little before continuing. "'Jesang unnie, I want to be an idol just like you. I want to be dancing on that stage too!'" Onew did his best to imitate my innocent young girl voice. I chuckled a little, as I shed tears, remembering everything.
Onew continued, "it was your dream y/n. It was your dream to be an idol just like your sister. And when the accident happened..." He paused, not liking to use the word 'accident'. "You shoved all your training and hard work aside, because you couldn't face it."
My mind flashed back...
I would sit in the crowd, watching in awe as my sister sung her heart out on stage. I would dream to be just like her. Ever since I was little, all I ever wanted to be, was an idol.
I practiced hard day and night, improving my own skills so one day, my dream could come true.
But one day, late at night, the unimaginable happened.
During practice, I got an unwanted phone call. Rushing to the hospital to where my sister was... I stayed in the waiting room, along with familiar staff members.
Hearing the words 'I'm sorry... She didn't make it... Collapsed lung' all broke my heart off into tiny pieces. My sister. My rock. Gone.
From that moment on, I swore to myself, that I would never become an idol. I promised myself I would not give myself the same fate. It became my fear...
By this point I was drenched in my own tears. Onew lifted his hand to my face and whiped them all way. "I have been with you this whole time. I did my best to help you. And now, look at us. Who'd have thought that we would end up together? And yet, here we are." He smiled his adorable half smile before continuing. "Tell me this, is that what your sister would have wanted? Would she want what happened to her, to get in the way of your happiness?"
I looked down. This conversation had killed me. Remembering my late sister hurt me, but the fact that I had to choose between my own promise, or Onew, I just couldn't.
