I stood still, staring at myself in the mirror, just me and that one lonely tear falling from my left eye. Suddenly I broke out into tears, my mirror smashed with glass on the desk in front, I picked up a broken piece of glass and held it to my throat, asking why isn’t she here for me?
Earlier that day at recess I sat alone against the big willow tree facing the road pulling my knees tightly into my chest. My eyes watering with memories of my mother who was my best friend, everyday when the girls from school bullied me I sat at the same willow and would ring my mother, just hearing her voice would soothe the pain of my broken heart.
I removed the glass from my throat only cutting it slightly; Realising nothing is going to bring you back. I dragged myself towards the window, picturing my mother dancing as the hem of her dress gently kissed the grass, rain pouring down on her, she’s laughing and turns up her hands.
I remember the day the popular girls pretended to be my friend, wanting me to go to their dress up and makeover party. Pfft, wasn’t I desperate to trust them! I was the first one up. I got onto the stool and they began cutting at my hair. At first I jumped. “What are you doing” I asked
“Just relax we’ll look after you” replied Sally the head of the group. I sat back and closed my eyes. Trusting what she said, I was desperate to belong. The girls started laughing viciously; I spun the chair around. The girls were in front of the mirror with cheeky smirks on their faces.
I stood up and pushed through them. I remember standing there in disbelief. They had cut my hair so short I looked like a 7 year old boy. I ran outside, and sat against the front wall. A river of tears flowing down my face. I rang mum. I couldn’t even talk properly, I was stuttering. I asked her to come and pick me up, she was on a date with a guy at the time, but she dropped all that for me. I remember on the way home she said the thing that I remember to this day. Griping my arm tightly, she said,
“No matter what anyone thinks, no matter what anyone does; no matter if you’re a 100 miles away, you will always be my little angel”.
I was only 6 when I started to be bullied; I was always “different” to the other girls. I tried to fit in but nothing I did worked. My mum was the only one who cared. I hate feeling like this, so tired of trying to fight it. When I’m asleep all I dream of is waking up and seeing you again. Why did God take you so early? I needed you more than him! Your existence, your presence is what I miss; you’re caring loving way to make all things magically better.
The more I grow up the more I am able to let go of the pain and remember the good times, there were many. I’m almost there, it hurts to say; but I’m finally realising your gone, its time to let go of this terrible pain!
I miss you.
