Random Thoughts I Have When I Should Be Sleeping

1:15 AM

The relapse was sudden and unexpected. Just a few hours ago everything seemed like it was getting so much better. Now I'm sobbing into my pillow wishing I will die soon. When will this pain end? I don't see a future for myself. Anything that could happen I will surely screw up. Why should I even keep trying? I think of my family and ask myself again if they really care. If they do this would hurt them so much. But why should I have to suffer for their happiness? Everyone said it would get better and I have waited. And waited. And waited. I don't know if I should wait longer or just help myself now. It's like there is two sides of me. One screaming at me saying I'm worthless. The other trying to guilt me into staying alive. Doesn't that side know it only making the whole situation worse? I know I must sound completely crazy. But I probably am. This is what happens when everything good suddenly leaves your life. When you find out that everyone that ever made you happy was just using you and leading you on. This is what happens when it seams like everyone has given up on you. Including yourself.