☇Palo ⇡Alto, ↲ ◂◃ a⇢ parody

So, I got REALLY irritated when I kept having to watch the trailer of "Monte Carlo" with Selena Gomez every time I tried to watch a cooking show on FoodNetwork; instead, I decided to write a parody with three nerds who go on a dream vacation to the heart of Silicon Valley -- that goes terribly wrong. Oh, and Terran, this is dedicated to you, as well as: Viva la Vida, jojocabo, and PWAJL

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    v0.1 : Early Life in the Nerd Herd

             “Life gives your problems, Google gives you answers.”

def elementary_school():

      print(“A lot worse than high school”)

      “No-no -- please, not the dumpster!”

            “Sorry, Jackie Chan -- but you can use your kung-fu powas when you wanna get outta there!”

            “That is so racist!”

            King-Kong snorted, and cackled slowly as he and his band of freakishly fast-running gorillas, and waved his baseball bat in the air, and gave a tribal cry: “DUMP THE DWEEB!”

            His loyal clan mimicked his motion, stabbing their bludgeoning devices into the air, and chanting as they echoed: “DUMP THE DWEEB! DUMP THE DWEEB!” The small Chinese boy swallowed, trepidation building underneath his feet, as he suddenly remembered what his cumbersome cousin told him: when the Annoying Americans punched him, he punched back. Of course, his cousin had both height and muscle mass on his side -- Darwin Ren did not.

            Darwin’s mind raced, and as he felt his chest begin to rise and fall along with his breath -- no, he thought, he was not going to have another asthma attack! Darwin clutched his lunch bag, and squeezed his eyes shut for a few seconds before his dreadful fate. The oxygen was becoming more short and feverish, and Darwin could feel his nerves spilling out of his empty stomach. His fingers began compulsively attempting to spring out of their sockets, while his entire body began shaking like an old air conditioner on overdrive.

            “I -- what do you gain from doing this?!” Darwin burst out suddenly, teeth chattering in the parking lot wind, as he feebly attempted to force logic down brain of King-Kong & Clan; weren’t gorillas supposed to be intelligent?! At least, that was what his namesake believed! Instead, King-Kong & Clan were silenced. Darwin calmed down a bit, and his hyperventilation slowed.

            Of course, his relief came early. Way too early.

            “Guys, DUMP HIM!”

            Darwin yelled out in horror as he suddenly was lifted off the ground, and thrown up into the air by multiple gorilla-boys. He tasted cold, senseless air, and a rush of fear shot through him along with a cacophony of monkey-like jeers. “NOOOOOO!”

            “MUAHAHAHA! NERDS!”

Darwin crashed on a thick, mildew-reeking, rancid pile of -- cotton quilts? Darwin’s eyes widened, and ears perked backwards slightly, surprised, as he rubbed his skull, and his nostrils abruptly flared slight to the distinctive aroma of -- incense?

“Dude, seriously, calm down -- you’re safe here, the Garbage Guys already know we’re here, so nobody’s going to suffocate anytime soon.”

Darwin looked up, as an unfamiliar hand slapped his back, forcing him to slow down his breathing, as Darwin feverishly sat and crossed his legs, inhaling and exhaling slowly. After a few seconds, the raven-haired boy had finally calmed down enough to take in his surroundings.