Paranoia (based off an actual nightmare)

Two Months Earlier

  I lay my head against the seat and stare out the window, looking at the tiny drops of rain sliding down the clear glass. I feel myself drifting off into sleep every few minutes, but stop myself. Last night had me thinking too much. I kept wondering about all the new things that could come about on this this trip, and whether it was a good decision to come or not.

  Ever since my parents split up when I was ten years old, something about me changed. I felt myself become tense in the public eye, and unable to deal with stress. I began to overthink every situation to an extreme, something that isn't necessary or ideal. Eventually, it lead to my being diagnosed with depression. It seemed as if everything was going downhill from my tenth birthday.

  I remember the look in my mother's face when the doctors told her I had paranoia, social anxiety, and depression. She said that she couldn't have imagined how I ended up so damaged. So, that's the new nickname I gave myself after that day. My mother viewed me as something broken, harmed, and defenseless. So I did as well.

  Eventually I was forced into therapy. A new hobby that wasn't exactly my desire, but was meant to do good for me. After quitting three times, I found Javier. He was the only therapist I was able to open up to. The only one that was blunt, but able to tell me how to get over things. He explained everything clearly with no sugarcoating, which was a bullshit game I got tired of with my past therapy experiences.

  Without feeling any bit of pity, he explained so clearly what happened to me, how everything escalated so quickly. It turned out that after my dad left, I was being exposed to too much stress, which lead to anxiety. But my anxiety would only come about with others around, because it's when I would felt the most pressure.

  However, since I didn't speak up about how I felt, because I didn't know I had anything, it turned into depression. It confused me how something so simple evolved into such a severe illness. To be honest, I never saw it coming. Never imagined it in a million years. And I was completely naïve to the seriousness of that illness, until I was forced to deal with it myself.

  When I first suffered from social anxiety, I locked myself up in my room. I refused to go out, because I simply felt uncomfortable. I was never good at fitting in before the anxiety, so everything just seemed ruined for my social life. And because I locked myself up, I began to feel depression. But even then, I still ignored my feelings, hoping they would go away.

  That's when the paranoia began. I tried to ignore everything, to pretend I was normal. So I gave going out a chance when I turned fifteen. But it all turned into a horrid nightmare. I kept hearing whispers that weren't actually being said. I kept thinking I was the main topic of everyone's gossip. So, after a few months, I went back into hiding.

  It almost seemed like if I was a ghost. I appeared when I wanted to see my friends, then hid when I didn't. When I turned sixteen, I dropped out of school. I told my mom there was an issue with bullying, and she agreed with homeschooling. At first it was a relief. I didn't have to worry about any stupid, teenage drama that could trigger my anxiety. But once again, it simply made everything worse.

  I completely left the social map when it came to my friends and school. It was as if everyone forgot I existed. I became completely executed from everyone's memory. Well, everyone, except Ethan. Ethan and I have known each other since middle school. We didn't speak to each other very often, but he always managed to check up on me.

  I liked having him around, or at least, I liked knowing I wasn't completely forgotten. As time passed by we became close, and shared my secrets. He always wondered why I wasn't around, why I would disappear all of a sudden, right when he would try to get to know me. I never knew what to tell him, or maybe it was just that I'm not good with words. So I would simply tell him that my family wouldn't let me go out, which was the exact opposite of the truth.

  My mom and her boyfriend wanted me to break from my shyness. They were in complete denial about me ever having anything serious. They wanted me to be popular, outgoing, and such an amazing daughter. But I became special in another, unique way. One I wish wouldn't have happened. But I got used to being a disappointment.

  After I turned seventeen, Ethan and I would message each other often, we would even meet up in private areas and just talk. That's when I started noticing I had feelings for him, feelings I wasn't aware of before. At first, I tried to deny it, but it was to no avail. Every time he asked to see me, my heart would pound quicker. My nerves would do loops inside my stomach, and my smile would come out from hibernation.

  It was a new, refreshing experience. Ethan is also the main reason why I'm in this bus, going on this trip. Even though I don't go to the school anymore, he pulled a few strings and convinced me to come along. I can only hope that nothing goes wrong in this camping trip. And I'm not worried about wild animals or rain. No, my fear is more deeper than that. For my brain is my worst enemy with hallucinations.

  I feel a tap on my shoulder and look up to see Ethan with a bag of candy in his hands. "Sharing is caring." He says with a mischievous grin on. I scoot to my side, giving him room to sit down, and grab a candy from the bag. "Why thank you so much, you're a kind sir." He wiggles his eyebrows and reaches for his bag, smiling.

  "This trip better be something magical." I tease him. After a few seconds of rummaging through the inside of the bag, he pulls out a pair of blue headphones. "Honestly, I'm not much of a camper myself so I can't guarantee anything." He almost begins to listen to music from his phone, but I interrupt his escape from the world.

  "What do you mean, you're not much of a camper? You kept bragging about how wonderful camping is, and all the joys and wonders you can experience with nature." Ethan puts on a cheap smile and looks at me with playful eyes. "Yea, I just said that to make you come with me." He confesses. I almost don't believe the words when they come out of his mouth.

  I punch him on the shoulder, ready to murder him. "Ethan! Why would you lie to me like that?" A slight blush creeps onto his face, and I feel a bit guilty about punching him. "Cause Valéry, I wanted to spend some alone time with you other than the forest in your backyard." When he finishes the sentence, I feel myself blush too.

  "So let me get this straight, you wanted me to come along so that we could switch the forest we hangout in?" I ask playfully. Ethan smiles quickly, but then it disappears and his tone turns serious. "Well, I also want to help you get over the anxiety. I hate seeing you be so antisocial. But don't worry ok? This will be fun. I promise." He says before putting on the headphones and drifting off to sleep.

  A stir of emotions overpower my brain, and I look back out the window. Early in the morning this bus will stop at a camping ground, and I'll be forced to interact with people for a whole week. I let out a sigh and look out to the night sky from the window, admiring the beautiful stars. I almost drift back to sleep, but something catches my attention.

  I see a shadow move past the road, then completely disappear. My heart begins to race, and I look around the bus to see if anyone else was looking out the window. A few other students were partaking in the same activity I was, but they seemed perfectly normal, as if nothing was outside the window.

  It's ok Valéry, it's just your paranoia. Don't let it get to you.

  I take a deep breath and lay back on my seat. For a while, I'm too nervous to look out the window. But it's like a deadly temptation. Like when you're a little kid and your parents are watching a scary movie. You know you're supposed to be in bed, and not dare to peek. But the temptation is hard to deny. I decide to take a chance and be brave for once. But when I look out the window, the image I see traumatizes me.