Living: An Open Diary On Sexual Abuse

Monday. August 30th. 12:26am

I think the worst part of abuse it what comes afterwards. I never anticipated for it to be this bad, or to get worse. At first I figured "In a few months, I'll be over this", as if sexual abuse was something someone could get over; but here I am, a year later and I'm worse than before. That's the craziest part.

That and how someone can not even know they're being abused until it's over. That's how it happened for me, and a bunch of other survivors. They didn't know until they were safe. For me, I had been in the relationship for a year and a half and I had no clue what to call it until I looked up the definition. How fucked up is that? In retrospect it was staring me in the face the entire time, yet I refused to acknowledge it. I didn't want to. No one wants to be a victim like that, you know, on that level. That's probably why I never called it abuse until I was already fucked up.

I remember when I saw the definition and realized what had happened. I was upset but I couldn't cry. As a little background I find it hard to cry for anything, or at least I used to. I went through depression too and made it a point to never cry. That was a bad idea but the point is, I don't do it. However, me not crying when I found out something so devastating, that was weird. I wanted to but I didn't. I even felt like it wasn't that bad, like I had gotten some low fat version of actual abuse, but no. Don't get me wrong I wasn't a fricken statue about it, I felt terrible. Beyond words kind of terrible. But I didn't cry. Because of that I thought I'd be able to "get over it" quickly. Now I cry more than I ever have. Shit, I cried last night. The longest I've ever cried over it was 3 hours. Screaming, and getting headaches, and letting my tears fall down my face and onto the floor because my hands couldn't keep up.

The longer you go on just living after being abused, the longer it eats away at you. That's what I think. Shit, that's what I feel. At first you're in shock, that'll last for a few months, and then it all hits you. For me it was one day in my bedroom, I thought about it and suddenly it all crashed down on me. 20 minutes later I was drenched in tears, rocking myself back and forth mumbling, "he hurt me" over and over again like a chant. That was bad.... I mean it's all bad but that was extra bad. I didn't cry too much then but, like I said, it gets worse.

Another one of the worst things is telling people you like and want to get personal with, that you've been sexually abused. You see, the abuse effects other relationships. They could do something that'll trigger me and that'll be it. To avoid those situations, I make it a point to tell someone before I get too close with them. Story time. So, I talk with a lot of people on the Internet, guys, (a side effect of my abuse I recently found out. I only started it when I was still being tortured) and once in a while I stumble across someone nice. This guys particular name was, well shit I actually forgot dudes name but we'll call him Alex. When I told Alex about my abuse he told me that I was just being dramatic. That there was no way I could have PTSD, anxiety issues, or have gone through anything because I wasn't raped. True, I wasn't raped, but if I was raped don't you think I'd say "I was raped" instead of "I was sexually abused". Rape is a horrible crime but I don't have to add that to my experience to make it equal. A year and a half of constant torture is equal in its own right. No worse and no easier. The worst thing you could ever say to a survivor is telling them they didn't go through anything, or that they're just making it up. I spent the next hour hyperventilating and trying to explain myself to someone who didn't care to understand. From that moment on he just saw me as a whiny little girl who was just crying for attention.

On a big side note, I want to explain that this novel/blog/diary/whatever the fuck is NOT a desperate cry for attention or a place for people to come and validate my abuse. However it is a safe haven for people who have been abused or raped and feel they want to talk about it. I'll even post your stories here (anonymously if you want) if you'd like to share. That'd be lovely and it would be great to have a community that will strengthen all of us. But first and foremost, these diary posts are for myself and other survivors who might take comfort in knowing there's someone who feels the way they feel. Honestly, sorting out feelings and talking about them is the best way to feel better (at least for me). And there really aren't enough communities where these kind of victims can reach out, male or female, and that sucks. So why not make one?

Lastly, for anyone who's just going through shit right now, I want to say, it's okay to feel bad, and it's okay to feel alone, or sad, or upset, or just not your best. We all go through a lot of things and I know sometimes the weight of it all can seem unbearable; but just the fact that you're here, on this Earth, means everything. It means you're strong, you're a fighter, you're trying, even if it seems like you're the opposite. Most of all, it'll be okay. Even through everything, it'll be okay, that's one thing to promise.