Living: An Open Diary On Sexual Abuse

Sunday. September 6th. 11:34pm.

I didn't expect to write another chapter so soon but I guess the mood just strikes when it strikes. You know that good streak I was having, the one in the previous chapter? Yeah, kinda ruined that today. So much for that light at the end of the tunnel. I should have known better. In retrospect abuse isn't a tunnel to get through its a place that you live in with dark corners and light corners, but this is besides the point.

I'll start off telling you what happened with an opinion. It's insanely hard to be a sexual person after being sexually abused. And I mean sexual in the healthy way, not the terrible side effect of abuse way. Let's just be adults here for a minute while I tell this story okay? Masturbation. Everyone does it right? Well for a lot of victims is way harder to do it because you can trigger yourself. Tonight was going really well and I decided to but I had a nagging feeling in my stomach. And as I kept going I couldn't stop thinking about my abuser. I tried to turn my attention to the last person I'd fell in love with but it wasn't working. Then bam, I fell into a flashback. Or at least it started out that way. He, my abuser, used to drag me into woods and fondle me while I just stood there and occasionally I cried while he did it. (He didn't care of course) It started off as flashbacks of that but expanded. He threw me into the ground and raped me and I basically acted it out. I felt like I wanted to scream but he was kissing me and so I just laid there and let tears fall. When I was finally released from the flashback and I knew where I was again I started to cry. I felt like I couldn't have imagined something so vivid but I don't know. He's the type to lie to avoid hurting you and I never remembered everything that happened. Honestly. When we still talked, he told me stories of things we did and I had no memory. There are things he did that I blocked out. That's what makes me afraid. What if he did rape me? What if this is my way of realizing? Does it really even change anything? I mean, for me, I was saving my virginity and kept it under lock and key, not even oral sex (giving or receiving. I was/am serious.) So, for me, I think that would be devastating.

I want to know but at the same time I won't just text him and ask him if he raped me. Another thing, I hate how easily accessible he is to me and vice versa. The other day I saw a selfie of him on Instagram and felt disgusted. It's just knowing how close we are and how easy it is that gets me. He still knows me better than I know myself and that's scary. He was obsessed with me. When I was still dating him, one of my biggest fears was that, if I were to break up with him, he would stalk me and kill me. Or kill himself, which he threatened me with also. I was everything to him. His life was such utter crap and I'm an unbelievably sunny person. He used to tell me that he lived for me. I didn't know how to leave once things got bad. If anything I sucked it up for him. Obeyed him because he was having a tough time. But anyway, I'm getting off topic.

I don't know whether or not that flashback was real and I'm leaning towards not because I simply don't want to be a rape victim. But that was pretty terrible and it definitely ruined whatever streak I had going. I have a feeling tomorrow is gonna be a bad day. One of those where you cry a lot to cleanse yourself so I'll just see how it goes. I'll keep you posted. If you're still here with me, thanks. I appreciate the support for sure. I'll update as soon as there's something to talk about. Peace.