The Cultivated Girl

Chapter 38 - Farewell

Simone's mother didn't come to see her until the last day of Spirit when she walked into the Snug unannounced, looking tired.

For once Simone was alone. She'd just finished recording a farewell message on Squirt and packed the few things she wanted to keep; comfortable clothes, the stone bowl she drank her tacho out of every morning and something to remember each of her clutch mates by. It would be nice to take squirt but she didn't think the spirit jelly would survive back home.

Her obsidian coloured bone knife and crystal stayed strapped to her, just in case she couldn't take the bag.

"Hello mum. Nice of you to drop by."

Elizabeth's mouth hardened. Damn. Simone smoothed her hair from her face. Her and her big mouth. What a way to start the conversation. Especially this conversation.

"I mean, you know, it's nice that you came to visit."

"I've been off world, there's a situation on Rygon," she said briskly. "I believe you wanted to see me."

Simone's mouth dropped open. She couldn't believe it. "Yes, you're my mother. I'm your child. That's what people like us do. They see each other, they talk." She mimed talking puppet heads with her hands. Okay, maybe that one was pushing it too far but she was upset. Simone could feel hot angry tears pushing at the back of her eyes. She stared at the veins in the ceiling. She would not cry.

Elizabeth sighed and sat down at the wooden table. "What would you like to talk about?"

"Us, Amira, what happened in that cave, what's happened this year, what's happening next year. Why is this so hard for you? You're my mother!"

Elizabeth looked as if she was choosing her words very carefully. "Simone, this may be hard for you to understand. Naturally I love you as my daughter but I have always known that your destiny lies with BastBula. You are the Sarsaura and I have always known that."

"Don't give me that 'with great power comes great responsibility crap'."

"Simone, don't swear. I'm sure Lady Alva has at least taught you that although it's good to see you've been studying Voltaire while you're here."

Simone wasn't going to admit the line was from her collection of original edition Spiderman comics. Let her mother think it was the classics.

"If I was such a special little experiment why didn't you tell me and train me properly so I knew what to expect?"

"That wasn't my place. You had adequate instruction and now that you're here you'll receive more. You'll see. I expect you'll particularly enjoy next year, it's very physical."

"No I won't."

"Why ever not?"

"I'm not coming back. Lady Alva says only the initiate can make the vow to return, no one can make it for them. And I've made up my mind."

The silence was so great it seemed to take on a life of its own, stretching to fill the room.

"And where do you propose to go?"

"I want to come live with you and... and my father and Max. I don't want to be stuck by myself in London or with some other crazed tutor. And I want Cloud and Skoggi to come too."

There, she'd said it. True, without finesse or subtlety but she'd laid out exactly what she wanted. Simone shifted in her seat impatiently, waiting for her mother's reaction. Her face was giving nothing away.

"And what of your training?"

"You can teach me or I'll come back after a year with you. Please mum, I just want to feel what it's like to be a normal girl, with a normal family. I can't believe you deprived me of my own father and my baby brother. How could you?"

Simone started crying. She couldn't help it. She was so angry and she wanted this so badly. How dare Elizabeth look at her like that. She opened her perfectly lipsticked mouth to speak just as the door to the Snug opened and the rest of the clutch came barrelling in.

"Hey cherie, come on, we've got a whole moon to explore before lessons start, and I'm sure lunch will be ready at the Mecca. Why are sitting in here?" Then Joli noticed Elizabeth.

"Greetings Lady Kjallman." Alexia bowed to her and the rest quickly followed suit. "Apologies, are we interrupting something?"

Simone had to resist the urge to roll her eyes. Now, of all times to barge in, why now?

"That's quite all right girls," said Elizabeth smoothly. "Simone was just making plans to come home." She stood up to leave. "Very well Simone, I'll expect you tomorrow. Lady Alva will advise you what to do next."

Simone didn't know where to look so she focused on her bare feet tucked up on the wooden bench. She was going home. It had actually worked although did her mother really have to drop a bombshell like that? She must have known the trouble it would cause. Simone glanced up. Yup, lots of trouble.

Alexia's face was furious, even paler than normal while Due just looked sad. The worst was Joli. The dolketian always wore her emotions transparently. She was such a combination of dismay and disappointment that Simone's heart wrenched.

Joli shook her head. "Cherie, I can't believe you didn't talk to me."

"I can." Alexia was terse. "She never wanted to be here, this was always just a game."

"Come on Alexia. That's not true. Maybe in the beginning but not now." Simone got up and walked towards them. "You've got to believe me. I want to stay but I have to do this. I want to get to know my little brother and my father."

"Why? Those people are strangers. They mean nothing to you." Alexia sounded so much like Amira that Simone was stung.

"I don't expect you to understand Alexia. I'm just a tool to you, to help you become Empress or something someday. You don't know what family is anyway."

"Cherie. You don't mean that."

"It doesn't matter Joli. She's clearly not the Sarsaura. If she was, she'd never leave us like this. She'd know her duty."

Simone paused halfway out the door. Due flashed her, a sweet little farewell made up of vignettes of everything that had happened over the cycle; the scorpion in Lady Hazel's cave, their morning runs, laughing in the Snug, sneaking off to watch the Komodos... she didn't want to leave like this.

Impulsively Simone turned and ran back, hugging Alexia, Joli and Due in quick succession. "Don't be stupid," she said, squeezing them tightly, "I'm sorry, I really am and I might come back. Maybe I can visit. Elizabeth... Mum shouldn't have told you like that. I'm going to miss you so much."

Then she stood up a little self-consciously. Alexia looked as embarrassed as Simone felt. Her stomach rumbled loudly.

Eat, flashed Due. So they did.

After the Principal had given a blessing and formerly closed the Benediction, the initiates attacked their food. The Mecca still had its Solstice furniture in place although the hollies and ivy had been replaced with stone cairns. A fragment of the Yule log still burnt in the central pit, "to light the last few stragglers home," whispered Alexia.

"What's taking Nada so long?" asked Simone. "Are you sure she's alright?"

Alexia just shrugged. "She's somewhere on Gaia. We'll get her back."

Way before she was ready, the meal was over and Simone had to join the queue of initiates returning home for the holiday and those, like herself that had decided this was the end of their service.

"Tell Nada good bye from me," she said, staring very carefully at the flames.

"The Goddess bless and keep you," said Alexia. She sounded like she was developing a cold. Joli just lifted a pearl-tipped hand in farewell.

Simone stood back on the floating platform where it had all began, where she had first sworn her vows. The guards didn't ask for her crystal and she didn't tell them she had it. Ami tipped her a cheeky wink.

She reached for the stone bowl with its viscous amber liquid and drank deeply. This time she knew what to expect. This time, Joli wasn't here to save her. Simone dived off the edge into the clear water below, the voice of the Goddess whispering in her ears.