desperate or what?!

"I love you..... You know that right?"

I did know that as he kept saying it over and over again. But I knew the truth that he doesn't really know what he feels. He's just lonely and I’m here to give him company.

He was just desperate.

I changed the situation quickly by a passionate kiss.

But the words lingered in my mind. I love you.

Those are the three words which I never let come out of my mouth.

The three words that I am scared to use, as love isn't a feeling to me it’s a decision. A choice to let one person get extremely close to you. To know all of your secrets, your past, and your fears.

There is not one person on this earth who knows me inside and out. I’m a secret, a mystery no-one can or will ever solve.

That’s just who I am and who I will always be.

This guy doesn't know me enough to like me let alone love me. Even if he did I wouldn't let him get dragged down into my life.

As my life is just a deep, dark pit of misery you can never escape.

Of course it never used to be like this, I used to be as happy as a bunny with both my parents living helplessly in love.

Living in the countryside with sheep and rabbits and allsorts of wildlife to admire. But then Dad lost his job and forced us to move to the big, dark city.

Mum died, my closest friend in the world. Dad turned to alcohol to ease the pain. While leaving me to take care of everything and dad only caring for himself.

Like he was the only one going through misery,

Like he was the only one going through suffering.

I hate him for that, after all these years, I still hate him.

Alcohol is still his best buddy and I’m still his servant. He says he loves me but like I care, what’s done is done there’s no going back now.

After all that you will probably realize why I am the way I am, not believing in love and if so telling someone that you love them is just desperate.

But mum dying and dad spending more time with beer then with me wasn't what pushed me over the edge.

It was funnily enough.... love

I was in love once. Big shocker!

But he was the one who turned my whole world around, till everything came crashing down besides me.

He was the one that when ever I was with him, everything fell apart.

He was the one I painfully loved, and his name was Jeremiah.

I don't really like to talk about my past or anything to do with me actually.

But since I've been advised to write down the past year up unto this very moment, I will try and not miss anything out but here it goes.

My name is Scarlet Jolene and this is my story.