i woke up one day and told you that i had to leave for a while and you were half asleep and it was a bad time because we both hate mornings.
however life waits for no one, and neither does death and I needed to figure things out.
so I left.
but i didn't go with no notice,
with no love.
i covered you with my blanket of soft green grass and left you the only pack of cigarettes I owned to keep you company when i was gone on my singular adventure.
i knew you had a tender heart darling,
you were always daisies and clear skies with me but i could see all your scars underneath.
it never bothered me, you are still the most beautiful person i have held.
you were the unknown first.
and i've dreamt about you for three nights now, the same memory on repeat, a montage of how things used to be before i fucked it all up.
you, holding my face between your hands,
whispering "you saved me.
you saved me."
your voice is thick with emotion.
i'm speechless as always.
how stupid was I to not hear the three word story in those words at the time
"i love you.
i love you."
i spent 365 days too many taking your touches for granted ; your arms holding me close as if it was always going to be that way because we talked like we were forever, but i know now always is not forever.
fast forward to a broken heart later, yours and mine, and a few others along the way -
it was a rocky journey -
we paved over shrapnel believing it wouldn't hurt us later but all we did was set the damage to bloom.
the past never fades and you were waiting for my answers back then and now when i could give them to you, the questions seemed highly irrelevant.
change is okay.
the tables turned and i had questions and you didn't have answers and somehow i managed to wake up one day with no sense of companionship. change can bruise.
that was the morning i left,
the morning that i began this poem with, this letter with, because that's what this is: a letter.
a letter to you,
asking where you are.
the last time i saw you after good bye, you were all sharp and blurry as if the shrapnel has punctured the roads we walked on and you were splitting apart from the inside all in my name,
all in my fault.
i was talking to a ghost of the person i left behind.
you walked right through me,
right away from me,
and i know there are answers somewhere.
i believe this is what you must've felt in the days i was deaf. now that I've regained my hearing your voice is absent.
where are you now?
how are you?
i understand that no objects can replace what we were and i understand I have done harm in the name of peace and that's why things have gotten so out of hand.
i barely sleep and i see your hair on the corners of everywhere i turn, your name,
haunting me,
taunting me,
seven hours a day,
five days a week.
the weekends are the worst though, cause i sit and listen and realize how you actually hate me and how you actually don't and how i will know nothing.
as usual.
this is the bitter taste of my own medicine, of lies.
some things we just don't talk about.
I have to wake up in three hours but I can barely breathe.
i think im just stressed or maybe i'm finally alone.
guilt.
i live with your absence
with every exhale.
this is the hollowness in my chest because we both need each other no matter how much i pretend i don't need you.
im sorry i hated myself so much i had to make you hate me too.
there will never be enough words to compound this now, and i don't tell anyone i've listened to that damn playlist you made for me more times than i should.
i am the monster here,
i am to blame.
but i am also sorry.
please come back.
please baby,
you save me,
you save me.
