High For This

Chapter 2

           She always did this shit to me and I couldn't blame her. I really couldn't fucking blame her. I left her to sit in the self pity she tried to pass off as indifference and acceptance. Sometimes I just wanted to rattle her, give her a mirror, give her my eyes because hers can't work and maybe if she had mine she would get it. She would understand that the only thing that makes her ugly is her hiding her scars. But that's not what she wants to hear, to see, to believe. She doesn't want me to do all of the things I am dying to do. I can't hold her hand unless I have a death grip on it with my dick so far in, it reaches her goddamn uterus. She wanted to fuck and I just wanted to love her. I try to think of how different things would have been without that night. 

       My parents were no doubt awake in their rooms  terrified to run into the monstrosity that was Alex. I stepped out into the humid summer air and lit a cigarette out on the porch. My parents didn't know I smoked and smoking within a close vicinity of them was a sure shit way to inform them that I do. I didn't care though. Alex had cocaine and sex and I had these lame ass cigarettes to numb the pain. 

     I felt her before I saw her.   "Goody, goody, Chris smokes? Who the fuck knew? Your parents know?" That was Alex for you. Quick to push past real life. I sighed, letting  my exhaustion show just for a little bit. I looked into her amber colored eyes, for what seemed like the first time. And I saw nothing. Complete nothing and it made my knees buckle. It's hard to believe that a year ago, those same eyes were full of light and sparkle and intellect. Now, they were dead. Lifeless. 

"Alex, please stop."

"Stop what?" She had a smirk on her face and I wasn't religious, but God knows I wanted to slap that smirk off her face. And that's exactly what she wanted... which added fuel to my fire.

"You love to torture me when all I want to do is love you." She cringed. "And that's not what you want. You want to be fucked until you bleed and cry and I've been trying to give you what you want but I can't satisfy you, Alex. I can't poison your blood the way the cocaine does, so just go home and when you want to fuck again, I am here. " She didn't even flinch. 

She turned on her heel without saying a word and walked the few feet to her house. When she went inside, I started laughing. I laughed hard until my stomach clenched, until my psychotic laughter turned into sobbing, because all this shit was too painful for me not to laugh. And too funny for me not to cry.