FLAWED MOTION (a writing collection)

laughter isn't the best medicine when you know you're faking it

september 3, 2015 - 12:50 midnight

the other day
my father told me that i had very prominent dimples when i was a wee small child
and asked
why my dimples aren't really visible nowadays
and my mother told him
that it's because i never laugh that much anymore

i don't know what that says about me

my friends used to tell me that i had a really obnoxious laugh
i don't think i've heard myself laugh that way for six months

my parents never really taught me how to talk about my feelings
i suppose it's because i was a very very happy child back then
like, even as a baby, i never cried
well how the tables have turned

the first time i talked to someone about how i felt
they told me i didn't have any right to feel this way
because they are struggling in the world of taxes and loans and bills
and money
and trying to find a place in this goddamned third world country
and the only thing i was struggling with was my own mind

i don't think it's my parents fault really
i think there's just something wrong with me
and how my feelings function

i was playing never have i ever with a group of friends
and i said
never have i ever cried over a family member's death
they looked at me like i was crazy

i think i am.