My public diary

5th May : Thoughts on bullying & story

At first, no, I don't write about bullying because I want attention (also because I will talk about my bullying story but anyway). I want to write down all my thoughts about it. You know, I'm so tired of hiding my mind from others while it's the most important thing abbout me (and the most important thing about everyone else). And, I think you know how hard and, sorry but, shit it is to hide your minds and thought about the easiest things.

To start now; I'll just start with a story of a girl I met on facebook (and we became good friends but anyway). In her profile picture, she put a photo of anyother girl because she liked her hair but never pretended to be her (aka faked her) in anyway. She got called fake, wrongly. I know that you're supposed to put your own photo as your profile picture but honestly it's her buisness. Other people use (their) cars as their profile picture and also no one comes around and be like "Hey you're faking that car". Well, maybe the comparison is a bit strange but isn't it kind of the same thing? They like the car, she likes the hair. Yes guys, also the word "fake" hurts even it may isn't that related to your person or personality like the word "ugly". The smallest words can and that is what most people need to start understanding.

Also in the internet, you mostly don't seem to care about what people call you. You can write "I don't care" and "Your words doesn't mean a thing" while sitting there and barely see what you're typing because the tears are blurrying everything. Also in reality someone can seem like not being affected by your words but breaking down everyday. You can't hear them crying, no one can. Only they and god can (well, it depends if you believe in god or not).

You won't know how you hurt them by your words until they are dead and everyone is like "Why? He/She was so beautiful! Why have the good ones to go first". Well they have to go first because people like that aren't fucking attention seekers, like you may would call them. They mostly have a serious mental disease. Mental diseases aren't something to make jokes about, they are really serious and I tell you it's not funny to have one (more to that later). I think they are harder than any other disease because it's even harder to fight your minds than your body. People say "it's never too late" and "You're not alone". Well, it can be too late. It can be way too late. If you are too far in the wrong direction you can fix your mind to turn around and start to walk the right way, being again at the point where the way (aka your life) went wrong. And yes, you are never alone. Please believe me. I know how it is like to feel alone. You feel like no one cares about you but if you are searchign for someone who cares, here I am. I know how it feels like to feel alone, so if you need anyone to listen I'll be here for you.

I know, I know, everyone keeps saying this and in the end they don't care anyway. But, believe me or don't but better do, I do care. I probably know how you feel. I've been bullied for like 7 years. With an age with just one and a half year I went to Rotterdam/Netherlands with my parents. I lived there until I was 13, then my father died in a car crash. But other story. In this time I was at my worst and my mom and I decided to move to London, her hometown. There in school, I wasn't bullied but when I walked by people just giggled at me, probably because I didn't look like an european. But an asian. I barely had anyone to talk to, to boot the horrible english I had. Everyone was talking in this beautiful british accents and I could barely understand. I just felt so, so different. In the internet on youtube video were europeans, americans or australians put make-up on and looked like an asian make-up face. I thought, If they can look like an asian, I can look like an european. I stole all make-up from my mom and even money to buy more and more (yes, make-up is expensive as fuck in London). I used to put on lots of make-up, just because I wanted friends. But they started calling me "make-up face" or "barbie whore". So I stopped and just started being me. I started to don't care and that's my best decicion ever. Also, I started making youtube videos and it's the best feeling if people comment things like "you are beautiful", "I love your voice"... All in all, just letting you know that they like what you do, that what you do is right and you are good enough and deserve respect for anything you do.

But still, I have like the lowest self-esteem ever. So I stopped even though I really, really liked it and it was one of the most exciting things I looked forward to every week. I still had all these voices calling me fat and ugly in my head. The day I made my last video where I just said (in very short) that I won't make anymore video's. Although the video was about 20 sec. they were one of thehardest 20 seconds of my life. Well, it was the day I choosed not to eat. I actually felt so fat, although I was about 90 lbs. About 3 months later, my mom went to the doctor with me and he gave me the diagnose "Anorexia Nervosa". You may think it isn't possible for me to be anorexic because I have a normal weight. I still eat, but just because I force myself to really hard. Also fat people can be anorexic. Didn't you ever heard of that some people can't lose weight? Anorexia isn't that dangerous for you because you don't eat and become really skinny. It's dangerous because your body needs food. Traces aren't just having under-weight, traces are kidney damages or diarrhoea and nausea. Do you think it's fun for anorexic people? No, we/they know that we/they need help. But if you are anorexic or have any other mental disease you feel alone all the time. You can be in a crowd of  a million people and feel alone.

Also if you think about carefully, isn't there someone in your school who ever wears sweaters? Even in summer? Have you ever seen this person in a T-shirt? Well, no. Of course you haven't. Just like you haven't heard what goes on in their minds or just like you don't know what they do at home. Even if at home is no place to hide, but a place to hide from the rest of the society.

So basically, just think about how you would feel. And while you're complaining about "how fucked up society is", google the word society and start by yourself. Why complaining if you can be the change you want. You can't say "it's the others fault, I'm the good one here" but causing a depression.