Falling Short // l.h. {#Wattys2015}

1

This is it.
Everything has led up to this moment. I have one shot at this.
At happiness.
This will determine my future, the rest of my life.
Everything.
I give myself a pep talk to fuel my confidence before I go on stage to do what I've been preparing do to ever since I was only twelve years old.
I take deep breaths to calm myself down and continue to talk to myself behind the curtain off to the side of the stage as the announcer, in the center of it, starts her annual introduction. I have it memorized, just like all the other times I've come to see this competition. Except this time it's different. This time, I am one of the competitors.
"Good Evening, we would like to thank you all for coming to the 42nd annual Entry Competition or Audition for the Curtis Institute of Performing Arts," she says, then there is a loud round of applause. She waits until it dies down to start speaking again.
"As you know, entry into The Curtis Institute is very selective, and I am sorry to say that only one performer will win tonight. But we want to thank everyone who performed, and let you know in advance that if you don't win-"
"You can always try again next year," I whisper to myself in sync with the host.
"Now, please give a warm welcome to our first musician, Livi Santine, on the piano," she finishes.
   A loud roaring sound is created from all the hands clapping together in the audience. I walk through the curtain and head straight to the piano, where I tuck the back of my black satin dress underneath my legs before sitting down. I place my hands over the black and white keys in the correct position, and I hear a voice yell "kill it!" from the crowd. It sounds like it's my best friend, Alyssa, but I can't be sure.
   I smile anyway.
   I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and pretend that I'm back at home, sitting at my piano in the comfort of my own home.
   When I first start to play, I feel nervous and a little agitated, but by the middle of the piece I am lost completely in the music, stuck in my own little world where it is just me and my emotions connecting with each other in harmony. It's always been like this, ever since I first started playing the piano. Like I'm connected to it. It's like when you're sharing deep secrets with your best friends and you feel an emotional connection to eachother, but instead of your best friends, it's a piano.
   I am brought back to reality when I hear a few scattered claps, then the echo of hundreds. I look into the audience for the first time this evening to spot my family, but every face looks the same from up here, so I just take a bow and walk right out of the spotlight.

***

   "What did you think of it?" I ask Alyssa, as we wait in line to buy cookies from the concession stand.
   "I already said that you were amazing Livi! If they don't choose you it-"
   "Don't finish that sentence," I say holding my hand up between us to silence her. "I have to win this," I say with a clipped voice.
   As she attempts to throw her long black hair into a bun, she looks around the people in front of us, to see the line.
"Why is this line moving so slow?" She ignores my response as if she doesn't really care. Does she even really care?
All of a sudden, almost everyone in line starts walking out of it at a fast pace. Everyone starts going toward the area where the announcer said they would post the results, but Alyssa tries to go towards the front of the line, since there are barely any people in it anymore.
"Alyssa I promise we'll get a whole pack of cookies before we get home, but let's just go, the results are up!" I say jumping in excitement. I can't even remember the last time I was this excited. I hear her groan, but she gives in and we run towards the electronic screen. I already hear sobs and parents comforting their children. I get it though. Every parent thinks it's gonna be their son or daughter that wins.
Until they don't.
We have to push past a couple people to get to the front, but when we do, I take the time to close my eyes and picture my name on the screen: Winner - Livi Santine. But when I open my eyes, the name that I see on the screen is....
"Ben Hemmings?" I whisper to myself, with a disgusted look on my face. I look around the room to find my mom, and I quickly spot her off to the side already looking at me, shaking her head in disappointment. All of a sudden, like an unexpected wave that knocks you over by surprise, sadness washes over me and starts to drown me. I feel like crawling into my bed, getting under my covers and staying there forever. Not only out of sadness, but out of embarrassment too.
"Look! You're second runner up! That means you don't have to tryout next year! You can go straight to competition!" Alyssa says excitedly, clapping her hands together while jumping.
   I feel like crying. I can't believe after everything I've been through, after so many years, I didn't win. Did I mess up when I zoned out on stage? Was my mom right when she said that I never got the tempo down correctly? Was she right when she said that I didn't want to win enough to practice an hour more each day? It's because I went first. I know it. Going first is like asking to lose. I go over the reasons I didn't win, as my sadness starts to transform into anger.
   It's easy to spot the winner. Him and his family are smiling and hugging and it's obvious that they're the only happy people in the room at the moment.
   After a while, things finally calm down. Most families are gone, and the winner, Ben, is buying something at the concession stand with another boy who is much taller than him. I walk away from my mom and Alyssa in the middle of when they're talking to me about the song I played and go right up to him.
   "You sucked," I say to him easily, right as the guy behind the counter hands him a bag. He stops talking to the other boy, and they both turn to look at me. "I was cringing the whole time you performed. I mean honestly, who tries to play an upbeat song on the cello? Who even plays the cello anymore?" I say, and cross my arms over my chest, even though I can't remember if the performance I'm talking about was even his. It's not like I'm gonna congratulate him, though. He couldn't have possibly wanted it as much as I did. Could he?
   "No one deserved to win this thing as much as I did." I say in a threatening tone. "It's so obvious that they only picked you out of pity." I say, then scoff as I cross my arms in an attempt to make him feel bad.
   It obviously doesn't work, because he just grabs his bag without taking his eyes off me, and says, "Who cares why they picked me. What matters is that I'm going to CIPA in the fall," he gets close to my face, "and you're not," he says with fake sympathy, and starts to walk away without his friend, but then, he stops to turn around and say, "Oh, and by the way, I played the violin. It was a very emotional song." Then he turns and walks toward a group of people near the exit, but the boy that was with him remains where he is. Still staring at me.
Now, I don't just feel like crying, I actually am crying. Like, full on crying. But I can't help it, all the emotions mixed together are too much; sadness, anger, disappointment, in myself. It surprises me when I can't seem to stop. The tears just keep coming out.
   "Uh...sorry about my brother," the boy in front of me says. "He can be really rude sometimes."
   I'm surprised when he apologizes, despite how mean I was to his brother.
   "You guys are brothers?" I ask as I notice his lip piercing and all black, casual attire. I compare him to the rest of what I'm guessing is his family, who look very fancy in their formal attire. "You look really......" I bite my lip as I struggle to find the correct word.
   "Hardcore?" He says, trying to hold back a smile. "I try."
I notice that he has an accent that sounds British. It gets me wondering how far they traveled to watch Ben compete. I hear his family call him over, but he just holds up his index finger towards them as to say 'wait a second' and then turns back around to face me.
   "I'm sorry, this is so embarrassing," I say, wiping at the tears on my face. I can't believe someone is seeing me like this. I feel vulnerable, and I don't like that.
   "Don't worry, I understand. If I lost to my brother I'd be crying too." He chuckles in an attempt to cheer me up, I assume, except it doesn't work and I start bawling my eyes out all over again.
   "But for what it's worth," He rushes, "I think that your performance was flawless." He smiles as he holds up his fingers in the position that means perfect.
   "Thanks," I mutter, trying to control my tears and looking down at my feet instead of his face.
   "My pleasure," he says. I watch his feet turn around and walk the other way.
   I wipe the rest of the remaining tears off my face and turn around to walk back towards Alyssa and my Mother, preparing for what is to come.

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If you're reading this, thanks for taking the time to read my story. I have the outline finished and I'm so excited for this!! - Kesi
Twitter: @irhpizza