The Perplexed Procurer

13

Toni Giselle Smith

I studied with Minnie, French and algebra being foreign to me. The numbers didn't make sense, but I was at least grasping some of the equations without harsh criticism. Blush-warm and spreading-covered my face as my eldest baby smiled and gave me praise for keeping up with the new aged curriculum.

"Mommy, did you like school?" Minnie placed her pencil down and looked me in my eyes. Those brown orbs of hers held every dream and future of mine, her life much more promising and healthy, that I'd sworn with my living breath.

"I did but I never understood numbers how you do. I wish I was as intelligent as you. I stopped going in 10th grade," I confessed with a tap to her nose. She picked her pencil up and started on the next equation.

"Well, I get it from somewhere, Mommy. You did birth three geniuses. Doni tells us that all the time how great we all are, you do too."

My throat tightened, it became hard to swallow suddenly. My eyes fluttered as I attempted to bat the tears away before they could drop in front of my baby. Before the salty streams could imprint on my blouse, Minnie's small hands extended towards my face. Her hands soft, foreign to trauma and hard work, wiped beneath my eyes before returning back to her worksheet.

"It's going to be okay, Mommy."

And I couldn't stop myself after that, because her emotional intelligence at this age was a gift and a curse for me-I could no longer wear my mask around my baby.

"It is, baby."

June came walking up to me, his face the spitting image of Adoni. His eyes the same shade as her's. His hair the same color.

Page was next.

Soon I was smothered in unconditional, smothering affection and if I had to be smothered to death by my babies I didn't mind going out this way.

It was selfish, I wanted to be anywhere but here. I wanted to busy myself with Adoni's welfare and her endeavors, I wanted them to hate her because I couldn't bring myself to just yet.

"Last one to put on their coats is a rotten egg!" Minnie took charge after a while, I was thankful and slightly embarrassed.

Then I was left alone. The table too large, Minnie's worksheet and I having a stare off while my children gathered themselves to enjoy the lovely, cold snow blanketing our backyard.

"Ma, why are you up?" I heard her before I seen her behind me. She had began to show just a little bit of her age and war wounds, but she was still the woman who'd taught us all how to make a house a home.

"I have to whisk the egg whites for them babies' eggnog. You think they not gonna want some after playing in that cold ass snow?" The older woman sassed, causing me to come up from the runt I was in. I smiled and got up from the table to help her with the wintertime snack they begged her to make every week seemed like.

"I'll get that for you," I muttered with a clearing of my throat. After excusing myself, her warm hand was over mine before I could place the eggs down.

"Go outside with your children. You don't need to be wandering around in this mansion with those racing thoughts."

"What if I want to help prepare the 'nog?"

She grunted, a small chuckle following right after. "You know I don't have much longer in this physical reality, Toni. The last thing I want to do is go back and forth with my favorite daughter."

She looked over her shoulder, her brown eyes lighter, hints of blue circling her deep brown eyes almost casting something similar to a glow from her face. The tears that had dried up now had new companions, I nodded with a tighter throat and kissed her cheek before making my way to the back patio.

Now, I still felt as if it were cold.

But, the sight of my children, my creations before me...enjoying the life I had wanted so badly wanted for them cracked open a portal I had been afraid to pass through.

The house.

The education.

The lifestyle.

The security?

Seeing their teeth mirroring the snowflakes was the warmest thing I'd felt all winter...all my life. Their little bodies played without a care, but deep down, they knew.

I knew our lives wouldn't be the same. I'd prided myself on endurance, but my womanhood couldn't afford endurance in this new chapter.

And God and whoever exists beyond knows I was scared. Adoni had been apart of my existence, apart of our children's lives for all they could remember. I was lonely, cold at night, sick to my stomach when I couldn't give them that cushion and spoiling Adoni had integrated into all of us.

I had to now figure out how to surpass their expectations, I had to prepare for life outside of being a Smith, outside of being a whore, outside of not having to think for myself at times.

It was selfish. I remember freedom being such an intangible gift, and with it knocking at my door I didn't know what to do with it.

The snow fell more, the smell of sweet cinnamon, vanilla, and something that couldn't be produced with a spice now filled the house. Still, the heaviness Adoni carried with her into spaces was too grand to be replaced by food. It was too important to just be thrown down the drain.

But, I would no longer sacrifice my womanhood as Ma had warned me years ago. It was unfortunate, but we would soon have to miss Sweetness also.

And though I wouldn't be prepared to parent or exist without her, I would survive, I would endure the price that came with the freedom I had wanted so badly many years ago.

My hand rested upon my lower stomach subconsciously as I watched my baby boy almost half the height as his sisters already enjoy his childhood. Something I know Adoni would kill to keep in tact, for all three of her children, our children.

Doni wasn't perfect, but I had never asked for perfect.

I wanted love.

And watching my loves before me showed me that I had never been denied of it, but it was time to stop searching for it externally when it was right in front of me.

Right inside of me. Growing and evident, everlasting.