It's been three months since the incident. Everyone's getting better slowly but surely. But me, my heart still swells in my body every time I see him in pictures.
I always visit his grave on Sundays. Always. Liam found a girlfriend. She's really sweet. Beautiful, she makes Liam happy.
I now pulled up to the gate of the cemetery. I took deep breaths as I approached his stone. "Hi Niall. How have you been?" I spoke to him. I may seem crazy but it makes me connected to him.
"I've been doing good ni, liam has a girlfriend." I giggled. I played with the dirt and picked on the flowers. "I love you." I whispered barely audible. "It's been really hard without you. It really has. I would wake up in the middle of the night having nightmares of you leaving me once again. I can't live without you. The boys, Eleanor and perrie have helped alot. But it just doesn't work." I sobbed. "Why did you leave? Why did you jump in front of the car? It wasn't going to fix the hate we both got. It wasn't going to save me. It kills me." I layed down against the stone. I curled up into a ball my knees against my chest.
I sobbed and cried for a while now. No more tears would fall out. I slowly stood up and kissed the top of the gravestone. "I love you so, so, so much. And you know it. I'll see you soon." I weakly smiled and tugged the sweater tighter around my torso.
I walked to the car and drove to the only place where I feel even more connected to him. I feel him there. When I see the familiar old cottage house I press on the gas petal to go faster.
I struggle to get out of the car to the house. The old cottage house where he first told me he loved me. How much I meant to him, how he will always love me no matter what. I let a single tear slip down at the thought.
The cottage house was so cute, and cozy. Niall said that his grandparents used to visit here all the time. He told me how his grandfather finally proposed to his grandmother. She said no. But after 8 times of asking she finally said yes.
It's wierd how far you go for love.
His grandfather asked eight times if she would marry him. He must've really loved her. Niall never got to propose, but he said that we would be together forever. He promised.
But promises were meant to be broken. I sit on the old dusty chair he used to sit in. Oh god, how I miss him. I silently sob for five minutes.
The first month of his death was the worst. I would drown myself in alcohol to feel him there but that just made me crazier. I tried to commit suicide 4 times. Four times.
I had to go to a therapist. Three times a week. But with everyone's help I've grown better, to understand the fact that he's really gone. And that he can't come back.
But I sure wish he would. Once a month I would go to nandos and sit in our cute little booth. I wouldn't order anything but just sit there and think. I would glance over across the table and think Niall was there.
I went into the old bedroom. The old, painted walls were almost torn down. The old desk with paper and pen. I sat down at the desk and wrote something.
Dear everyone,
I love you guys so much. But we all know that I can't bear without Niall. I've committed suicide, I've gone crazy. There's nothing else we can do. I'll cherish all the memories with you guys forever and ever.
Even when we decided to have world water III. It was really fun. Anyways,if your reading I'm problably gone. So please don't mourn about me. Live your life.
I love you all,
xx Maria
