Life is Touch and Go

Go

(Healing Process/Letting Go)

Im sitting on a park, my mind is on other planet.. on mars.  Didn't think of anything but I'm crying right now. I'm feeling so lifeless. The person who though me of life , the person who show me love, show me of everything was gone.and Now im here at park, where I met him. Im killing myself to be here. Remembering all things we do. It kills me every time I remember him. I coundnt help myself. 

But crying. I did a suicidal case like drinking a lot of drugs and slicing my veins. But Im still here. Seeing all things that kills me. I hated the whole world when He was gone. I never talk to people who love me, people who really cares for me.

Then one day, I use to visit the park, not to cry but realizing all things I do. There's a guy who come to me and talk to me. "Hi",He said. I see you here everyday crying. now I was surprise that you didn't shout or crying. You disturb all people here because you cry so hard, even me.

"You cant judge me that way. Because you never been on my situation. You dont know how much pain I have. I said on ireful tune and my tears started to flow slowly though i manage to talk again. Who are you? to judge me of what Im doing here?

"I am here every day, Everything you said, how painful you have and being hate of yourself. I heard everything. We feel the same thing I think. Your boyfriend leave you. Then my Girlfriend lied to me and she leave me too.

Nope. Michael is Different. He didn't leave because of other girl. He leave me because he died from cancer. He never lied to me. I said now I'm shouting and angry with this person.

"But its still the same, the person you love leave you and that's the truth. I know how you feel. I'm just saying that when you keep doing the things you do here everyday wont help yourself, and do you think your boyfriend will be happy seeing you like that way? Do you think?

I can say these things because I already accept what is really the truth. I totally heal from pain. Day by day. My Girl friend died from cancer too, she lied to me.. she didn't tell me about her sickness. She lied still. And your boyfriend lied to you too. Because He did a promise wont leaving you. As I heard from you shouting here everyday. I'm just saying I want you to be like me too. Move on.

Who are you to tell me that? Only Michael will say that to me.. not you..

He, smile but I know he is crying too, because He remember his Girlfriend.. His voice is cracking too. Will if you believe on falling star why not wish. Maybe the falling star will help you.. or give you answer.

"What- wa wa- what did you say? I ask him, my voice is really cracking because I cried again. Because Michael do believe on Falling star this guy reminds of falling star.

Do you believe on falling star? my voice become calmly now.

Yes. I do. And if you want to talk to me again. Ill be here again at the same time.

Hey... I shouted at him..

Are you going home? What is your name? I ask.

I'm Kyle! He shouted while continue walking away from me.. Ill be here tomorrow at the same time.

"I hold myself. He is right, Michael don't want me to be like this. "Im Nathalia I shouted.

After twelve months kyle and I talk again. We sited on grass.

Nathalia, I can I ask you? I want you to answer me directly. We've know each other for almost twelve months we use to go out together. Am bored? Am I dull? How do I look? He asked. I don't want you to laugh while answering me.

No. You aren't bored to talk with, your smart and you look good. I said.

Really. Nathalia I like you. And I know you feel the same too. Why you didn't give a chance for yourself. Because of what? Of broken promise? That you didn't want to leave Michael too? Nathalia, common he is gone. Give chance for yourself. Don't limit yourself because of that promise. I know you like me too and I can see that because you care to me.

"Yes. I do like you.. but only friend. Kyle is right. I limit myself because I did a promise to Michael, not to leave him. Im afraid too.

"Don't be so idiot with that Nathalia. Only friend Nathalia??. Okay Hands off to you. If you don't like me Ill go somewhere.. A place where you cant find me. He said angrily. I like him. Im happy when im with him. But Im afraid. We agreed not to talk each other again. I got hurt again. Because I love Kyle too. Im just cant let go of my promise to Michael. "Always take care of yourself Nathalia. Kyle said shortly. He cried while leaving me.

I did cleaning my house after the day I talk to kyle. Then the camera catch my attention, I remember Michael did his last video before he died. That video was really full of pain. Because that was the last day we had together, I know already what's on the video, but I use to play it on the player.

"My Dear Nathalia.. I love you so much. Thank you for everything. Said the voice recorded. Can you buy a food for me? He ask. "Yes of course my Dear, Wait for me here okay?.

"My Dear Nathalia, I used to make you away from me because I wanna say these. When I'm gone. I want you to have a boyfriend. Don't kill yourself because of me. I don't want you to suffer from pain. There's is someone you will meet. His name is Kyle he is a good man. He is a good friend of mine. When you talk to him be nice. I want you to be his girlfriend. I trust kyle. I love you so mush Nathalia. Don't let yourself be on that promise. I set you free from that promise. You can have a boyfriend. But I Want Kyle I tell everything to Kyle.

"Michael, I Gasped I'm crying again you had really full of surprises, you plan everything for me. But he's away from me. He is mad at me.

After three months, I went to Kyle address, that he gave me.. looking for a cahnce to see if he is still there.

I see Kyle, but now its too different. His world is realy different now He has now a Girlfriend. I didn't use to talk to him. Seeing him is enough for me. It hurts. True that the when you regret always at the end.

"I got hurt again, but Im helping myself now. Michael is right. Life goes on. Thought isn't that easy to move on. But im trying to be okay" Im taking the way that Michael gave me. "Freedom".

September 08, 2015