Like A Virgin

Chapter One - Going in Dry

For most of my life I never really saw people as well- people. I mean, I knew they were human, yes, but I didn't care for anything past that. Wait, wait, wait, I know what you're thinking, you're thinking I'm going to throw that old BUT at you. Like, BUT until I met her. Or BUT then everything changed when my family died in a massive explosion tornado. BUT that's not the case. This is the story of how I didn't care about people, and I still don't really care about people. Some lessons don't change anything. Take school for instance. Specifically math class. Now you get my point? BUT I will say this, because once you get to the end of this story you might be all like, 'Aw, Aaron, you're not as much of an asshole as I thought you were! You really do care!' And then I'm going to refer you back to the first chapter were I SPECIFICALLY tell you I don't care. Really. Truly. Probably, I DON'T. Now that we clarified, lets get on with it. 

Freshmen year of college. I was a huge douche-bag. I wouldn't even say bag, I'd say like a pool, or a decent sized lake. I was a huge douche-ocean filled with douche water. And looking back on it now, I can say with full certainty that I was insecure, and I just wanted to fit in. But that's really mushy-mushy to say so I'm just going to go back to the whole, douche-ocean thing. Nonetheless, I don't know why I was insecure, I got into one of the best state colleges; I had a smoking hot cheerleader girlfriend who would jack me off under the table at fancy restaurants. I was the quarter back of my crappy high school team which meant me and my girl were fucking King and Queen of every little thing. The quintessence of high school popularity. I was blowing my chubby little sixth-grade mind, I had accomplished everything I had ever thought I wanted. And here I am, going off to be a freshmen, to a college were I can escape my nagging parent, all my friends were going; we can party all night, and fucking skip class whenever we want. No, no not even skip we just playing didn't have to go if we didn't feel it. My girl was going too, I mean we were royalty at my high school, why wouldn't it be the same at college? I was going into this on top of the god damn world, everything was going to be the same. No doubt in my pea-sized mind. BUT, I can fully say a BUT is needed here. BUT I WAS TOTALLY. FUCKING. WRONG. 

Now here's the part where I do a relevant but boring flashback. I grew up in a town that was small and racist. You know the type. We only had one elementary school, one middle school, and one high school. In elementary school, it doesn't matter everyone's picking their noses and running away from cooties. But middle school, oh oh oh sweet lord. Who ever decided to place all the 6th, 7th and 8th graders into their own school was a mad-man but also a genius. I mean its the general age group were everyone's so damn insecure, but they wanna look cool, you know? Like they're starting to realize life is shit but they gotta play it off like nothings wrong. Middle school, is were it all began. Since I grew up in a tiny dick town, I knew everybody in my grade, what I didn't realize is the summer before 6th grade year, my entire grade got together to decide who's going to be popular and who's not going to be. I didn't get the memo. It probably had something to do with the fact that my parents didn't get me a cell phone till sophomore year of high school. Now here's some other irrelevant shit about my middle school self. I was fat, and not 'aw its just baby fat' kind-of fat but like damn that kid needs a salad every once in a while. It probably had something to do with the fact my family was poor. Well most kids in this town was poor, and had the diet of a well- college freshmen. But for me, I got truly unlucky and instead of looking like the typical skinny poor kid, my body decided to store all that fat away in-case I ever truly started starving. That also probably explains why I was constipated all the time as a kid-that and the stress of being a fat, poor, middle schooler. Another crappy thing about being poor was the hand-me-down and Goodwill store clothes. I have no fucking clue, how brainless fifth grader suddenly got the idea that they were going to judge who gets to be popular based on their outfits, but they totally did. That or the marketing teams of America are doing an excellent fucking job. So here I was rolling into 6th grade a chubby-ass baby with a hole in his jeans that's a little too close to his crotch and armpit stains in his shirt from previous owners. I was freaked- I mean, why was everyone worshiping Lauren Tally? Was it because she grew massive tits over the summer? Or Kyle McSneed? Was it because his dad dropped him off every morning in his Mercedes so he didn't have to take the smelly bus?  Whatever these popular kids had, I definitely didn't. As the rest of my peers panicked and formed groups of their own, I did the smartest thing my tiny little pea brain ever thought of- Nothing. That's right I didn't join any group, not the goths, not the drama kids not even the wanna-be popular kids. Or the Second-In-Liners as I liked to call them. I was a nobody, which was perfect, because when I got to high school, and slimmed down, and got a job so I could afford nice clothes, essentially when I finally became popular, no one questioned my credentials. No one thought I couldn't hang out with the populars cause I used to be a geek, or I hung out with the guys who were to enthusiastic about cars. They didn't even know who I was too question it. It was also smart, because I avoided all that peer pressure of middle school. Like Micheal Kane who became so addicted to cocaine by the time he reached high school he looked like a 35 year old. Or Michelle Jackson who had to drop  out of her sophomore year because she got pregnant. See I played it smart, and eventually I got royal flush.

Then of course, I went to college. And made the stupidest move I will probably ever make in my life. Probably.