THAT PREGNANT WOMAN...

Pregnant & Paranoid

Paranoia is terrible. It makes you think things that ordinarily you wouldn't dream of thinking, it can make you believe things that normally you'd dismiss without a second thought. It can make you say things, ask questions that quite frankly can be just a little bit outrageous. 

It may even make you think that the man who got you pregnant changed the emergency contact number stored on his phone in case you have a crisis at work to 'DO NOT ANSWER'. ''That's just paranoia'', I explained to Sasha, as I threw my mobile phone across the living room last night. She could have thrown it a lot further and faster, I thought to myself. I followed up with a safety ''Sorry'' just to smooth things over. I was saying sorry for making her paranoid, not actually apologising to changing the contact, I'll have to remember to do that tomorrow.

Pregnancy breeds paranoia. It creates chemical imbalances all through the body, so it must be true. I'm sure there's a study out there where some crays psychotherapist studied paranoia levels amongst pregnant women. I bet the results were off the chart. Normally Sasha is a sane, reasonable woman or as sane and reasonable as a woman can be. Sadly pregnancy has led her to asking questions that are not only difficult to answer, but sometimes there is no answer. Not like Mastermind type questions, they always have an answer, but I know one day Sasha will wake up, look at me and say ''Eric, what's the meaning of life?'' and when I can't answer or provide a suitable answer, it'll be my fault because I don't love her enough. Again this is all part of pregnancy logic.

A news story this morning kicked off Sasha's latest bought of paranoia. A famous sports person has, surprise surprise, been a little bit naughty and been caught in the act by the national press. Normally Sasha wouldn't even read the story, it doesn't enter her circle of interest, this morning was different. This sportsman's infidelity meant one thing and one thing only - all men all rats, all of them. As I write this, I'm sat on a train, a train I almost missed. I have 2 meetings in the next 2 days, so I'll be away for 2 nights. Sadly a sports persons infidelity sent Sasha into paranoia overdrive this morning.

Sasha has developed a certain way of getting my attention, you may have come across small children using this technique when they desperately need the attention of an adult. It goes something like this.

''Eric. Eric?... Eric, Eric, Eric, Eric? Eric, Eric, Eric, Eric, Eric Eric Eric Eric Eric Eric!?... EricEricEricEricEricEricEricEricEricEricEricEric!!!''

I'll confess that sometimes I ignore her to see how long she can go on for without breathing. Only a small part of me wants her to pass out. More often than not the calling is proceeded by ''What are you doing?... What are you looking at?... Why don't you love me?... I hate you!''. In fact that's a regular conversation right there.

Today was 16 consecutive 'Eric's', not a record but a good effort, and when I did give in, the question wasn't what I was expecting.

''Why are you going away?'' Sasha asked, immediately I knew this was a loaded question with a limited number of correct answers, there might not even be a correct answer, so I changed position in my chair slightly just in case a quick getaway was needed.

''I have meetings I need to attend, I can't get out of them. We've been through this, I thought you were ok?'' How could I think she was ok, she's pregnant!

''Will there be any girls there?'' Sasha said, her tone was almost comical and she was half smiling.

''What?'' I replied. This was a stupid reply form a stupid man. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

''Will there be girls there? Girls in the meetings!?'' No more smiling, no more comical tone, paranoia was taking over.

''No?'' I said, questioning my own sanity. ''Well, I'm not sure, there might be...''

''Eric'' She'd cut me off before I could get myself in any more trouble.

''Yes Sash?'' I answered immediately, my life was depending on it.

''Are you sure there's won't be girls there?'' Sasha was almost upset as she asked, I couldn't even imagine the range of emotions that she was going through right now, all I could think about was how long my newspaper would protect me from an all out assault.

''Well, um...'' I was struggling to think of any sort of answer that would be acceptable to an extremely paranoid pregnant woman. ''There probably will be. There are girls working in my company'' Honesty is the best policy.

''Will they be pretty girls or will they be sluts?'' Sasha said mater of factly.

''None of them will be as pretty as you'' Was my answer, surely a winner?

''So there will be girls there?!'' Tears gathered in the corner of Sasha's eyes, honesty is clearly not the best policy. ''And they'll be sluts to, I bet the place is full of them! Look at him there, in the newspaper, look what he did with all the sluts!'' Sasha was on her feet pointing to the newspaper in my hand. ''And you're reading it so you know what to do!!'' Incredible, where does she get this stuff from? I'm reading a news story about a cheating sportsman so I know how to cheat? Sasha wasn't finished ''Eric, you won't sleep with any sluts while you're away, will you?''

''Sasha, I won't sleep with any sluts ever, ok?'' I stayed calm, I could still control this situation.

''Say you promise!'' Sasha demanded

''Ok...'' I said before she cut me off again

''SAY IT!!!'' Sasha shouted, tears now rolling down her cheeks

''Ok, I promise, I promise not to sleep with any sluts!''

Having made my promises. Sasha calmed down enough to drive me to the station, although I had to run across the bridge to get to my train on the other platform that would have left without me had I been 10 seconds later.  I've only been on the train an hour and already I've had 3 phone calls and 6 text messages, part of me is feeling really sorry for her, she must really be mental. Another part of me if also finding it hilariously funny, if it wasn't happening to me I'm not sure I'd believe it.  

The next few days should be reasonably stress free, although I wouldn't be surprised if Sasha is stood there on the platform when my train pulls in. In fact, I might just accept it now and be surprised if she's not there. Or maybe she'll be at my hotel, in disguise as a the receptionist? A crazy, paranoid, pregnant receptionist.   I'm going to have to find a way to deal with Sasha's paranoia, I'm not sure I can cope with another 6 months of her making me promise not to do things I never had any intention of doing in the first place.