[TRIGGER WARNING:: suicide (obviously) and mentions of drug/alcohol abuse.]
[Summary: "It was a cold January afternoon. I woke up to the sound of silence." AngSt.]
(Ryan's POV)
It was a cold January afternoon. I woke up to the sound of silence. I look over at my clock, and it reads 9. The rest of the group were supposed to come around 10 to practice. It was already 9, so it would be an hour before anyone came, but I didn't care. Today was the day. The day I was going to end it all. I was planning this for awhile actually. When we were up in the cabins, I told Spencer about it.
"Spencer, I'm going insane. This is all driving me crazy." I said, with tears in my eyes. He grabbed my wrists.
"Hey man, I love you, but no fucking way."
Then he gave me this whole 'It gets better' speech, which I heard one too many times before. It was just unconditional optimism. It didn't help. I mean sure, Spencer cared, but it wasn't enough. I turned to drugs and alcohol. I was too scared to die, so I thought these substances would distract me, but it made it even more worse. I mean yeah, in the beginning, it seemed as if though it worked. But it all came crashing down later, and was then a useless tactic.
The only sound that you could hear in my house was the wooden floorboards as I walked across to my bathroom. Once I entered, I looked at myself in the mirror. I looked like a mess, considering I haven't showered in forever thanks to my depression. I haven't shaved either, so my face was all rough and prickly. I didn't really care how I looked in my final moments, as long as I would've gotten the job done.
I open my cabinet to find pill bottles, and a razor. I grab the razor and a bottle of pills. I looked at myself in the mirror. My mind was running through with all these thoughts. Like, my boyfriend Brendon. Poor Bren. He'll be alone without me. Then there's Spencer, who has always been there. And Jon. Good old Jon. The one to make touring more fun. But I wasn't going to tour anymore. Nobody will worry nor care about me now.
I open the bottle of pills, and take as much as I think would be enough. Afterwords, I grab the razor and gently slide it down my arm where my vein shows, then roughly push the razor down harder and faster, as I keep gliding it across my skin. After the damage is done, I sit on my rug and slowly wait for the pills and blood loss to kick in, which comes in sooner than usual. My eyes make their way up to the clock, which reads 9:45. Geez, where did the time go? I guess I must've been too caught up in my own thoughts. I look down at my arm, which leads to me getting dizzy. There was so much blood, I feel nothing. After awhile of laying there, my mind began to grow blank. There was no screaming, there was no fighting. It was just blank, and that terrified me.
After about 10 minutes later, I lay there, numb and cold. I hear my front door open. It was Brendon, usually knowing him for barging in. Spencer was most likely following behind, with Jon coming later than everyone else. Brendon was the one to usually make an introduction, while Spencer remained silent until he saw me.
"Oh Ryyyyan! Guess what time it is?" Silence.
"Ryan, are you asleep?" Silence.
"Okay Ryan. You maaaade me do this." Silence.
Brendon walked down my hallway and to my bedroom door, which was the next room. He opened it, and there was silence.
"Hey, Ryan, come on out buddy. We have rehearsal." All of a sudden, the bathroom door opened. I couldn't look at Brendon, I just couldn't. There was a pause, and then Brendons voice.
"R-Ryan..?" He said quietly, as if he was shocked.
"S-Spencer, help!" He screamed. He hurried over to me and kneeled down.
"What is it? What is-?" Spencer was in the doorway. "Oh, shit. I'll call 911." He ran out to grab his phone. Brendon grabbed my hand. I could barely feel it though, but I felt some movement.
"W-Why would you..why would you do this?" Brendon asked. I opened my eyes. I felt tears swell up.
"Brendon.." Was all I could mutter out. I was too weak to speak.
"Ryan, don't die..please." He put my hand to his cheek. "I need you, please, you can't.." I just sat there, numb and on the verge of death.
"Bren, I'm..sorry." I tried my hardest to speak. I just wanted to die already. I hated seeing Brendon like this.
"We were supposed to grow old together..we were supposed to start a family..Ryan, we were supposed to get married." Brendon said, in between sobs.
"Bren..I-" I felt limp as my lungs gave out.
"R-Ryan?!" Brendon spouted. I came back to reality seconds later. "Ryan, don't you fucking die on me."
"Bren, I'm..gonna miss you.."
"Don't say that, you fucking idiot, you're not gonna die!" I smiled weakly, as one arm was bleeding out, and the other was on my lovers face. With tears streaming down my face, I looked up at Brendon.
"Bren, I...I will love you. Forever and.. always." I felt the limpness come back. This time for good.
It was weird though. I wasn't dead yet. I just felt like floating, but I still heard everything. The last thing I heard was Brendon calling out.
"Ryan? Ryan?? Oh god Ryan no, please it can't. Ryan, I'm so sorry, oh my god Ryan, please.."
You have nothing to be sorry for.
I will love you Brendon. Forever and always.
(BRB CRYING. THIS IS RLY SAD I'M JUST SO SAD RIGHT NOW UGGLES. but do you think I should make another chapter to this? bc let's face it, ryan doesn't deserve death. let me know in the comments! as always, I hope you enjoyed this, and as always, I will see you tomorrow! [or the day after. or the day after that...or the day after that...or the day after that...])
