[TRIGGER WARNING:: Abuse (technically) and homophobia.]
[Summary: Brendon and Ryan have some problems in their relationship. ANGST SJDKDK.]
The noise of slamming doors rang through Brendons ears, followed by the noise of hard stomps along the wooden floor boards. Brendon looked up to see Ryan, who was scowling as he went sit on the opposite side of the room, looking down to check his phone. They've been avoiding each other for half of the time. The other half of the time, they were yelling at each other. There was really no reason. It was just the simplest things, really. Brendon heard that this was a sign that they were getting tired of each other, or that this was a relationship that simply just couldn't work out. Brendon was scared. He loved Ryan. Maybe that was it. Maybe Ryan was ashamed of the relationship he had with Brendon. Maybe he hated Brendon.
Maybe. The one word running through Brendon's mind. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Ryan didn't even bother to look at Brendon. 'God damnit,' Brendon thought, 'just say something.'
"Uh...Ryan?" Ryan didn't bother responding. Great, now he's ignoring Brendon. For no apparent fucking reason. Instead of feeling mad, Brendon felt hurt. Great, what did he do now to possibly 'ruin Ryan's day,' as Ryan recalled so many times before. Brendon wasn't going to give up though. He had to try to talk. To try to save this goddamn relationship Brendon spent so much time thinking about. To try to get his lover back.
"Ryan?"
No answer.
"Ryan, can't you try talking to me?"
Once more, no answer. Brendon walked over to Ryan, and placed his hand on Ryan's shoulder to get his attention. It did get his attention, and it really wasn't the reaction Brendon wanted, but he knew it would happened. Ryan jerked his body quickly to the other side of the couch as to where he was sitting.
"Dude, would you stop?" Ryan snapped. Brendon gave him a confused glare.
"What's wrong with you? Did I do something wrong?" Brendon tried not to have his voice crack. Brendon was sensitive as hell, so even the slightest bit of someone yelling at him made him want to cry. Ryan just scoffed.
"Nothing is obviously wrong. God, maybe if you weren't so stupid, you'd see that." It hasn't even been a minute into the conversation, and Ryan already makes Brendon want to breakdown. Ryan got up to get out, but Brendon grabbed his arm.
"Why can't you-"
"Don't touch me!" Ryan yelped, immediately turning backwards and punching Brendon in the jaw. Instinctively, of course. He didn't mean to, but nonetheless; the damage has been done. Brendon fell backwards from the impact and landed on the floor with a thud. The pain didn't set in at first, but the taste of blood filled his mouth. Brendon looked up at Ryan, clutching his jaw with his hand. Ryan was staring wide eyed at Brendon, his hand covering his mouth. The pain in Brendon's jaw grew in his mouth, to the point where he couldn't feel the streams of tears down his cheeks. Brendon got up, and slowly walked to the door.
"Bren, wait, I didn't mean to!"
"Shut up!" Brendon cried. He stopped in his tracks, and rested his head on the door, now fully aware he was crying. There was a very strong silence. Brendon spoke up first.
"You aren't the person I fell in love with. You changed. God dammit Ryan, you changed and I blame myself for it." Brendon said in between sobs.
"Brendon, please let me explain, I-"
"I gave you all the time in the world to explain all the shit that happened to you," Brendon said, reaching for the door knob, "but you, being the ignorant prick that you are, you didn't. You just didn't, and you hurt me in so many fucking ways for it. And you know what? I regret all the times I've said I loved you, you fucking dick." Brendon opened the door, and left quickly. He entered his car, and put the keys in the ignition. Before he turned on the car, he looked at the doorway, to see Ryan, standing there, hurt and loss. But Brendon didn't care. Ryan hurt Brendon, so why should it matter? Brendon turned the car on, and left the driveway quickly. He was going somewhere. He didn't know where, but anywhere away from Ryan. He eventually pulled up in Spencer's drive way. He didn't leave the car. He just sat in the seat and sobbed. He didn't mean what he said to Ryan. He didn't, and he hated himself for it. He just wanted to hate Ryan as much as he loved him.
[TIME SKIP]
3 days have passed since the incident. Brendon had been staying with Spencer, locking himself in the spare bedroom not making a noise. He told Spencer what had happened. Spencer, for the first time, showed sympathy for the younger male. Brendon felt like a big enough bother, so he simply hid away, trying not to give Spencer a hard time. While being locked away in the dark room, 7 words repeated into Brendons head.
"I regret ever saying I love you."
"I regret ever saying I love you."
"I regret ever saying I love you."
Over and over, the words played in Brendon's mind like his favorite song on repeat. Brendon regretted those words. He regretted everything. He even regretted life. The only thing making him feel alive, was the pain in his jaw. He often dug his fingers into that place, as a reminder that he let go the best thing that happened to him, and as a reminder that everything was real. The pain was vanishing though, as each day passed. He wanted to know what was wrong with Ryan though. If it meant never seeing him again, or forgiving the thing that ruined him, he was going to find out. He left a note on Spencer's table, explaining that he was going back home.
When he arrived at the home, he was reluctant. He knew this was going to be bad, but he came too far to go back. He exited the vehicle, and slowly made his way to the door. As every step came about, he felt more and more hesitant, until he reached the door. He wasn't even going to knock. It was still his house, so he should have the right to enter without consent. The smell of alcohol hit him like a train as he entered the home. He looked around, looking at the place. It looked like a complete mess.
Closing the door slowly behind him, he made his way straight to the bedroom. He decided to knock this time.
Knock.
Knock.
Knock.
The knocks echoed in the silent house.
"Hello?" A barely audible voice spoke behind the door. It was Ryan.
"Ryan." Brendon uttered. The door swung open, and before he knew it, Ryan's head was buried in Brendon's chest. Brendon was shocked at how fast Ryan was to act.
"B-Brendon..fuck, I thought I lost you." Ryan sobbed in Brendons chest, staining the shirt of tear drops. Brendon rested his chin on the top of Ryan's head.
"Not yet, you haven't."
"Did you mean what you said?" Brendon knew what Ryan was talking about.
"No, I didn't."
"I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry."
"Ryan, I don't care if you're sorry." Brendon sighed. Ryan stopped shaking. Brendon moved his head and pulled Ryan away to look at him. Ryan looked like hell. Brendon looked into Ryan's eyes, which had lost their sparkle. Brendon placed his hand to the side of Ryan's face, which was wet with tears.
"Now," Brendon spoke softly, "what's going on with you?"
Ryan grabbed Brendon's shoulders and clenched onto them for dear life, as if he was trying not to let go, and maybe that would happen. Maybe if he let Brendon go, he would lose him. He almost did. He planted his face into his chest once more and cried softly.
"My parents." Ah. Brendon didn't much care for Ryan's parents, as they didn't care much for him. "They, f-found out I was dating you. They told me- they-," Ryan sobbed harder into Brendon, unable to finish his sentence. Brendon gently ran his hand through Ryan's hair, trying to comfort him.
"What did they say, Ryan?" Brendon whispered. Ryan, who was trying to catch his breath, spoke in a voice that held so much pain, as the words escaped his mouth.
"They said I wasn't their son anymore." Brendon hugged Ryan tighter, letting Ryan know that he was safe; letting him know that that he was here. "I'm so fucking sorry for how I've been acting. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've made a lot of mistakes. I'm so sorry. I love you so much. I do. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." Ryan continuously apologized. Brendon let him, until he racked himself up and started crying once more.
"I love you too, Ryan. I forgive you. I love you."
(SAD DEATH DESTRUCTION !!!! i've actually been looking forward to writing this aw. as always, i hope u enjoyed!!!!)
