Love is really not my area-Sebastian M. X Adult!Ciel

Chapter 3: Hurt~Ice

A Kuroshitsuji Fic

Chapter 3: Hurt ~ Ice

The couple ended up inside an extravagant French Restaurant. Both sitting across each other in an awkward silence. Sebastian giving up with looking and expecting Ciel would look back at him and settled by staring out the window.

Upon noticing the major change in both Sebastian's focus and mood, Ciel felt somehow responsible for some part of it. He turned hurried glances from Sebastian to the space beside him, to the surroundings, the happy couple that situated on the table behind Sebastian who chatted animatedly, the family a few feet away from their side, to the street lamp that Sebastian took slight interest in.

He sighed inwardly. He's supposed to make this day special and memorable for his boyfriend- not awkward and dreary.

The silence seemed to drown Ciel for some time before the waiter arrived with the menu for the two of them.

Sebastian hadn't touched his and continued staring at the distance. Deep in thought. Head turned from Ciel, chin leaning against his left-palm, raven locks slipping sidewards with the movement.

It took everything Ciel has to continue with his facade of indifference, to kill the urge to run his fingers through those silky strands, stark and beautiful against his pale hands. He tried to concentrate in choosing their orders, which proved to be a hard task when you're distracted by the person, who is, unfortunately, in front of you.

He winded asking for their suggestion instead- a move that caused a blatant blow to his pride, and ordered for two since he doubts Sebastian would eat anything unless he forced him to.

The waiter than left and Ciel felt the tension once again. Deep and palpable, as if something so solid and concrete that he couldn't push through.

He placed one of his hands on the table whilst the other covered his eyes as he leans into it.

They're hopeless. This date's a lost cause, Ciel thought angrily to himself. Why can't he just do as Sebastian does? Why can't he just be sweet when the situation calls for it? Why can't he just be serious when something's close to breaking? Why can't he just be there to give Sebastian what he wants as he does him?

Why is Sebastian better at expressing his feelings and emotions than Ciel? Ciel who is biologically human- not that he sees Sebastian as nothing more than a demon; he's the most human being of hell that Ciel had ever met- even more than himself.

Sebastian heard a tortured sigh from the man across him and he shifted his attention from the happy couple in the streets who were holding hands to the distressed bluenette.

He looked much more depressed than before, and he ought to ask why- but then he felt as if there was something terribly wrong with him simply asking when it's already written all over their date- they aren't the typical couple who'll happily settle with nonsense like these, their bonding was customarily composed of cases, murders, paper works, business trips, sofas, tables, and straight towards bed- no more of these theatrically idealistic walks or pleasantries, eating across each other inside such an extravagantly annoying and sparkly restaurant occupied by obliging couples, neither is it even near walking across the streets filled with judgmental strangers, limiting their physical contact with each other.

Of course he appreciates Ciel's efforts- his boyfriend never applied any effort to anything he ever does, and often leaves everything for him to polish.

With such a thought in mind, he figured his next move: a slightly larger white gloved hand settled atop a pale one, causing a momentary faze to the other person involved.

Ciel, quite surprised at the sudden action, jerked his hand back,

"W-what are y-you doing, S-Sebastian?!" he whispered angrily, face red in what seemed to be embarrassment.

Crimson eyes widened by a fraction of an inch and Ciel hated himself for being the cause of a look so shocked and wounded from the normally composed and carefree raven-head.

That was all it took to break a piece- though little, yet still significant- of Sebastian's belief on the sincerity of Ciel's feelings for him.

He slowly slid the hand he used to touch Ciel's- as if the lost of contact burned him- to rest on his lap.

He was suddenly swallowed by self-loathing and qualms: Ciel may or may not love him back, he may have or may have not pushed himself into Ciel (both metaphorically and physically), they may or may not have a chance on what they're doing, Ciel may simply not love him back and was only obliged to do so out of responsibility for making the butler fall in love with his master, Ciel may not even like the idea of this whole ordeal,

he might not even be able to sacrifice and love Sebastian the way he is prepared to do so for Ciel.

Thoughts of the like ran inside Sebastian's mind, spreading through his body like a poison so sweet and bitter, for a demon like him. So painful and intoxicating and he couldn't wait for the day when he would actually die-

the day in which Ciel would grow tired of all his pretentious flings just to pacify him, and would actually snap,

snap and slap the truth straight into his face,

that he had never loved him and will never do.

He loathes, awaits, and dreads the notion all together.

Because he would rather Ciel spit the truth into his face than to continue believing the sweet little lies that pass by his lips the moment he tries to push Sebastian away.

Because he realizes that believing lies with the chance of finding the shattering truth any time, anywhere, made him think as if he's constantly walking on thin ice.

As if he's constantly worrying for the sake of himself and the ice.

He hates that if his thoughts were to prove him right- he'll have to choose between himself and the person he loves the most.

Himself or Ciel.

Sebastian or Ciel.

He'd rather get hurt and die.

Than to crack and destroy such beautiful and fragile ice.

~~~~~

A/N:  Chapter 3 of 4,  Sebby got distressed as well.... Will it work out for him and Ciel? Find out in Chapter 4: Reconciliation ~ Holding his hand.
Still don't own the characters and anime~ [edited and cleared of typos]