faded letters

01 - to my summer love

i gave you my all.
well, you sort of.
i gave you my heart.
well, you sort of.
i loved you.
well, you didn't.

nothing is permanent in this world.
not even relationships.
cause in this world concentrating on plastic.
i could not believe your love was one of them.

  ✉ ✉ ✉  

Do you remember the first time we met? or maybe the first time we fell in love with each other? or maybe the first time I ever talked to you personally? Well, I do and I guess it would have been better if I told you that I appreciate everything. Thank you for that. The past few months have been rough. The tension when we see each other in school is still thick but I wanted you to know that maybe we could have worked it out but nah.

   ✉ ✉ ✉     

A week has passed since our breakup and I haven't really fully grasped the concept of how I am supposed to get rid of our daily routines together. The casual; good mornings, good afternoons, good evenings and good nights. We agreed on this break up so why is it that I am hurting so much? Let me get a recap. 

Our 'relationship' didn't begin with those mere "I like you's" nor the casual crushes. We started off being strangers continually living with our own lives in this existing world. Remember what I first said to you? Because I do - I always will - "This looks nice. It's just the penmanship that blows it off." 

We weren't friends in the first place. We were nothing but mere strangers going in and out of this world - well more specifically, at school - I was going to pick up some friends for lunch and that's when I laid eyes on a brown colored project; it was decent and probably more decent than most of my projects beforehand. One thing I also noticed; you had really bad penmanship and that made me very disappointed in it - not you. 

A month - or was it weeks - passed and we saw each other at a school's play. You were struggling having to choose between two ties. I would have left you there to decide the worst color but I didn't because that would make you look like a fool and remembering that we both fall in the same curriculum. I chose your tie and let you finish preparing before the show started.

March 19, 2016. 11:32 pm. I started talking to you in Facebook. We started being friends and I guess we could have been considered as close friends. We called each other 'wing man' whenever someone asked if we were together. I asked you to download apps and you did it with no hesitation - I was surprised by it too - however, I was thankful and that was it. That's when I started to harbor feelings for you.

April 17, 2016. Our friends helped us 'confess' our feelings for each other. I didn't actually expect for you to like me because I was always that kind of girl that would always expect the worst out of everything. It was surprising when you told me you liked me because I expected to be only your wing man. You promised things that were almost impossible to do. We talked a lot ever since that day and I guess, we got to know each other more. We had those matching wallpapers (cheesy, I know) and you even started calling me 'bea' which was an alternative to the mainstream; bae. It was nice having to receive morning messages from you or even the long ones whenever you're not around to be online.

We only talk for a few hours in a day. A few days in a week. A few weeks in the months but all of those had been cherished by me and it hurts a lot. It hurts to remember for those 2-3 months we've been together; it all seemed like nothing. All those sweet lies you told me still are clear in my head. Oh, those unbreakable promises we made are now nothing but indefinite words stuck in our throats. Now, all time is gone & passed. There is nothing left between us but distance.

June 8, 2016. You asked me what this relationship really was. What we really are. You told me the honest truth about everything you have been feeling throughout the months we've been together; there was guilt. A kind of guilt that could never erase from your mind. You weren't sure if you did like me in that way but I, on the other hand, am starting to fall for you. I should have known not to get attached. As a civil human being, I agreed. Just for the sake of making you happy; I love you but you will never love me that way. How can a heart like yours ever love a heart like mine?

I was never the one to hold grudges against people. Even if you did hurt me, I would still consider you as a part of my life because even in those short moments; you made me happy. You made me feel important like I was actually being needed by someone. Thank you because even though it wasn't your intention to hurt me; you did. That made me stronger.

Til...

June 17, 2016. Our friend and his girlfriend had a fight. They almost broke up that night and I didn't know what to do. I was panicking and the only way to stop our friend from killing himself was to ask you to help me stop him. It was a long process; you had to be offline for a few minutes and I was desperately trying not to cry out loud for fuck's sake. I felt relief when you finally went on and talked to him. For a few minutes, it was quiet.

I received a message from our friend that you and I should talk. We did and we started off our conversation as normal friends; like nothing really happened between us. It was like, I wasn't crying every time I remember something special you did. It was nice to finally be able to speak to you again. But that's when the questions started dropping like bombs to a shelter.

"Do you still have the copy of that message I sent you...? When we uh... you know."

Our friend told you that I still loved you. You wanted to know if I really did cry after you sent the long speech. You wanted to know if I'm crying right now. You wanted to know why I loved you. Why? Why did I really? And after giving it a long thought, here is why; I don't know. If you love someone, there is no specific reason for it. You just do. I love you because you are unexplainable. Like an abstract painting hanging perfectly on a wall.

You told me you loved me too but what hurts after? I love everyone else I meet. This phrase, this hurtful situation, got me trapped in my own cage. Like, how could you have been pretending to make me feel special when you treat everyone else the same way? This is where my tears started falling one by on to ground. I cried eight times that day.

I hope you know that's the most I've cried for a guy.

Even over the weekends, when I was doing an English report. All in my mind was those words, making me think about the past 2-3 months. I could never really tell you in person about how I feel because it will never be the same. I COULD NOT MOVE ON FROM YOU YET. It's like removing a comfort zone. You were there to listen to my problems but what am I supposed to tell you? That YOU are my problem? No way. Until now, whenever I see you in school. I have to pretend like I don't care; like I'm not hurting... but please do know that I am hurt; I just tend to keep it inside so I don't worry the people around me.

I love you and I'm not expecting that you'll love me back. I just hope that when you'll realize it...It's not always too late to start again... with another love... in another time...