Regrets and Cigarettes

Are You Listening? -R

Done and done.

How many fluid ounces of blood, sweat, and tears went into that album was indescribable.  I was successful at mailing it to you by myself, and that's all I wanted.  So now I walk around my small apartment building in boxers with a glass of scotch in hand.  Today, the phone rang.  I thought it was you so I sprang to my cell phone.

"Hey Ry, it's Jon."

Of course, my shoulders slump.  I'd just delivered the package yesterday, of course you weren't going to open it now.  Ryan, what were you thinking?

"Hey,"

"Look, Ryan, the band and I have been worried about you.  You've not talked to any of us since the album was finished.  Do you want to come over?"

I shrugged, but realized he couldn't see through the phone.  "I guess so, what time should I come over?"

"How about in an hour?"

I told him it was perfect and hung up.  I went to go put on appropriate clothes.  It was a pretty average day for me, except that you now had my music.  You had my emotions.  The reason I couldn't stop smiling.

***

"What the hell is up with you?"

I still couldn't stop smiling when I arrived to Jon's.  I was wearing a red v-neck tee with skinny jeans.  My long hair was resting on my ears.  Some girl who decided to stay the night at Jon's place wasn't delighted to see me.  Jon told me before that her name was Amber.

"Helloooo?!" she groaned.  "Are you listening?"

"Oh, Amber!" I grabbed her and pulled her into a hug.  "I am DEFINITELY listening!"

"What the fuck, get off of me!"

I obeyed and hugged Jon instead.  He hugged me back with a lifted eyebrow, his body smelling like pine.

"What is up with you?"  he lets go of my thin body and I excitedly jump around the house.  "Oh, right.  We're going to Panic! at the Disco's concert tonight."

I nod repeatedly.  You could've heard the disc by now, but my thoughts were that it was too early.  I remember last night, driving to the address Zack gave me, hoping it was you.  I saw her in the window and that's when I knew for sure.

"Why would you go back to see that band?" Amber piped in, like she knew everything except the answer to this dumbass question.

"Amber, shouldn't you be going?" I snap back.

"GUYS, guys, guys," Jon rolled his eyes.  "Amber, I do think you need to get back to work.  You're already late."

Amber left the house in a huff.  Jon closed the door behind her.  I was sitting on the ground of the family room and going through his vinyls, trying to find the first press.

"So," Jon says walking in the family room to turn on the record player.  I slide the record out of his sleeve and place it carefully on the player.  I turn off the player so he can speak.  I give him my full attention.  Now, Jon's not an ugly man.  He's attractive.  He has hair kinda like yours, but a little shorter.  The man's got massive sideburns and scruff outline.  He looks, well, masculine, while i look feminine as a porcelain doll.  "What do you think we should do?"

"Well, we should probably go incognito," I stare at his brown loafers now.  "That way, the fans, Brendon, and Spence won't recognize us."

"Good idea, I'll get us some new clothes and makeup," he commences to go upstairs, but looks back at me.  "Do not put the record on before I get back."  

I grab the sleeve, lay on my back, and hold it right above my head.  The art was pretty odd.  The whole album was.  It's all just memories of you, anyways.

Jon returns with new clothes for me.  A brown polo, black jeans, a fedora, and sunglasses.

"Thank you for being patient," he grinned.  "You can put it on."

"Ladies and Gentlemen, for a second time around, we proudly present, A Cricket and a Clover."

It's odd that we never released the album, it had potential.  I've gotten shit that it should be leaked ever since the documentary came out.  I personally can't choose between this one and the other.  The songs are just about our love either way.  Did you know that?  Or did you just sing words without recollection of my emotions?

I guess I'd never know.

I'd be seeing your first show without me.  How would you do?  Have you listened to my music yet?  Did I ever impact your life?

We finish the album and leave Jon's house.  My heart aches for your presence and the closer I get to the venue, the closer it feels like home.