Regrets and Cigarettes

Singular Cigarette-R

Jon told me not to do it, but I needed to know if you heard.  By the look on your face, you already have.

"What-why are you here?" You're terrified of me now, so I don't ruin your innocent heterosexual romance, but you know how I feel.  The paparazzi doesn't know it's me, they just know a fan gave you a cigarette.  They don't know it's the same brand of cigarette that you lost your virginity to.

Spencer doesn't even notice me.  He's already in the tour bus.  I keep looking for your girl, but she's no where to be seen.  Does that I mean I can run off with you now?

No, it doesn't, because even though I admitted my feelings to you, I have zero idea what yours are.

"Mind if I come inside the bus?" I grin, placing my sunglasses on the tip of my nose.

"Fuck you, get in," you pull my hand until we're in the bus and Zack drives away from the madness of all the people.

"Brendon, why is a fan on the bus..." Spencer is sitting on the sofa, staring at me with his piercing blue eyes.

I pull off the sunglasses and fedora.  He gasps.

"RYAN ROSS?" Spencer screams with either fear or delight and Zack slams the brakes.  

"Yeah, yeah," you say in disgust.  "He's not staying long.  Zack, can you take him to Jon's place?"

He ignores you and hugs me instead.  "Wow, Ryan, it's so great to see you again."

"ZACK!"

He lets go of me, nods at you, and returns to the driver's seat to start up the bus again.

"Ryan, it's been a month since we last saw you," Spencer beams at me.  "What's going on?"

"Well, uh, Jon and I, uh."

"They wrote an album," you slump on the couch, rolling your eyes.  "And recorded it.  In a month."

"That's incredible!  Congratulations."

I give a nervous laugh and thank him.  The rest of the drive to Jon's house is silent.  How did Brendon know where Jon lived but not where I did?  Jon's house in San Diego wasn't far from the venue so we got there in about five minutes.  You suggested on walking me inside, but we sit on the front porch step instead.  Zack gets the idea, tells you to call him when you're done so he can pick you up, and leaves.

"Hey, uh, Bren, if you want my address-"

"No, that won't be necessary."

"Look, I just really wanted to talk to you and-"

"Ryan, please."

I stop trying and you've got water in your eyes.  The mere thought of us upsets you.  Unbelievable.

All because of her.

"I know you got the album."

Silence.  For a solid five minutes.

"I haven't finished it."

"What song are you on?"

"The one about me."

I laugh and you give me a small smile.  "Seriously."

"I had finished 'The Other Girl'."

"Oh, that one..."

You nod.  "It wasn't wrong."

Silence.  God, I missed you so much but the fact that you're still with her makes me sick.  You look just sick.

"What happened to us?"

"It's pretty simple," your eyes lock at the pavement as you murmur.  "I loved you, you loved me, you showed no sign of affection, I loved Sarah, you showed affection, and now we're sitting on Jon's porch step."

"Wait," I stare at you until your beautiful brown eyes find my hazel ones.  When you realize I'm waiting, they do.  "You loved me?"

You focus on a tree on the other side of you.  I know the truth.

"Brendon, why did you never tell me that you loved me?"

"Because I didn't know how you felt."

I sighed deeply.  His gaze was back on the sidewalk.  "Can I sing you one of the songs I wrote?"

The summer bugs around us chirp but you're silent.  You refuse to look at me and you finally give a shrug.  

"All I do is lie, by the ocean side, why do the clouds all turn gray just for you?  I've never bloomed such a beautiful blues.

"Step outside your door, and go down to the shore.  Why do your eyes feel like shells in the dune?   What makes the crowd turn away from a tune?"

You're shaking and so I scoot closer to you until our bodies touch.  Your body calms and I hold your knee.

"I've never bloomed such a beautiful blues, even when the tide gets high at night, and the truth is wrong sometimes.

"All I want to do, is dig a hole with you, feet are no strangers to the undertow, wind won't decide, which way to blow.

"But we will never leave, you're all that's left for me, this is a home we just don't have a door, euphoria is a risk on the floor, words keep on crawling from under the rug, who knew that love was a dangerous drug?

"Even the tide gets high at night, even when the truth is wrong sometimes, sometimes."

I grab your chin and press your nose against mine.  I feel your hot breath close to my mouth, like it used to be.  You've gotten so pale by this point.  Have you forgotten about her or is it all you're thinking about?  I'll never know, but maybe I can make you love me again.

"Who knew that love was a beautiful blues?  Who knew that love was a dangerous drug?"

I feel our lips getting closer with each lyric.  I've got to keep it together.

"Now I know love is a beautiful drug, I know that drug is a dangerous love, I know now that love is a dangerous blues."

Just like I dreamed, just like I expected, you go in for the kill.  You grab my face, slamming your wet lips against mine.  Being the fool I am, I kiss you back.  When will I be able to do so again?

You move a hand to my hip and mine's in your shaggy hair.  It's not as long as my hair, but it's softer.  I forgot how good of a kisser you were.  I forgot how overall perfect you were.  I forgot how much I needed you in my life.  And that day I left you, what was I thinking?  I had everything I ever wanted right in front of me, but I just walked away.  I kiss you harder.

And I realize the best way to describe you is that you're nicotine.  I try you once, I get addicted, I try to sober up, but I just end up addicted to death.