Zacky V are you still the man for me?

forgiveness part two

Liz POV

I wake up with a start. I look around and realize I'm in my own bed at my own house. Oh god what'd I do? I look down and realize I'm naked and look over and see Zack. I think back and realize I slept with him. I mean OK it was great I can remember that but damn it! I'm supposed to be mad damn it. Fucking pissed. My hand hurts and I look at them remembering the fight. I smile to myself. The bitch did deserve it. What'd she expect after she slept with my husband? That'd I'd just roll over and play dead? I wouldn't give a good fight? We have children for heaven's sake! Of course I'd fight for my life. I look over at my night stand at the pictures. I see Zack holding the boys in the hospital and remember how much in that moment I loved him. I promised him the night we got married through better or worse I'd be there. I promised. So why didn't I hold that promise? And he has medical proof he was literally out of his mind that night. Why can't I let it go? Because he stuck his dick in someone else. I lean up and pull on my robe and slowly get out of bed. I dont want to wake Zack up. I creep down stairs and go into the kitchen. I look around and realize it's a mess. There's barely any food. Just kids food. I grab a water and walk into Zack's office and turn on his laptop. His email program is still on and I look through it. His draft folder has ten emails in it so I open it. They're all addressed to me so I open the first:
"Liz I know you're pissed at me. You should be now that I know the truth. I don't know why I did it. I can't even blame the fucking liquor. I swore I'd never hurt you but here I am alone and God only knows where you are. I couldn't blame you for leaving me. I called Meghean she didn't admit a damn thing other than we did have sex. I was so wrong baby. I'm so sorry..."
It ends there. So I click on the second
"Liz,I know this doesn't excuse what happened but maybe it'll help you forgive me if you ever can. I was drugged. The doctor told me I was actually lucky to be alive and Dan told me he was there that night and said that I kept calling Meg Liz and she went along with it. That doesn't even make it OK it makes her sort of sick really but it makes more sense now. I would've never ever done that to you but since she drugged me she also convinced me that you were here and her. I don't know how that worked and I'm sorry. I'd do anything to take it back please just talk to me."
I move on to email number there's
"The boys are here. Thanks for letting me get them. I missed them so much and you too. They keep asking me why Mommy cries. It's my fault I know. Please forgive me Liz please. I'm so sorry. I'll do anything baby please nothing even matters anymore besides you and the boys."
I fight back tears and go to number four
"Another lonely night I have to spend alone. I seen you outside at Em and Syn's you looked beautiful... You always do. You've always taken my breath away. I can't believe I fucked up I know but I'll spend the rest of my days trying to get you back. No one can ever take your place ever. Please talk to me..."
The tears begin falling as five loads.
"You know I never deserved you. I don't even know how I convinced you to ever like me. I never thought I could understand Jimmy's pain but I do. I can see where death could be a better solution to pain. I would join him but what would the boys do? I can't believe I did this to you and them..."
I can't believe his words.
"I want to feel alive again. I feel so dead. I keep hearing about things to do with you and seriously my life is so empty and cold now. I don't know how you can be so strong but I guess when someone hurts you like I did you do what you do. I wish my sins could be forgiven but I know that they can't. Maybe I should struggle alone forever in a world so cold because of what I've done..."
I find myself staring at the screen. I never knew Zack felt that pain. It's killing me reading the words. I am shaking all over knowing that he aches this bad over something he really didn't ever mean to happen. Ever.
#7 "I'm trying my best to continue. But I can't live another day like this. I fired Meghean today. She tried to talk to me again and I snapped. I almost hit her so instead I called the police and had her removed from VU headquarters. She's right with what she said. Despite what she did I did it too. Its still my fault. I did break up with her and then within days I met you and you know the rest. It's my fault for pissing her off enough she would want to hurt you and the boys like that. It's all my fault and I never deserved what you given me. I'm sorry Liz. I really am. I'm sorry for everything."
I wipe the tears from my face an open number eight
"The boys came today and told me you're doing better. I'm glad. They said you laugh alot now. You deserve to. I know that I don't. I can't even say these words to your face. I haven't sent a single email because no words would ever be good enough to get you back...."
I shake my head and move to number nine
"I'm sorry....I love you....I can't do this anymore. I just want you home and want you back. Please just tell me what to do because honestly if you don't come home I'll probably die. I'll search endlessly to the end of time to find the way to get you back. I need you please just I can't silence this fear you'll never forgive me and never come home....."
I start crying harder
"Liz I want you to be happy and I know I've Hurt you beyond forgiveness. I know now that I'll have to figure out the way to carry on and let you live your own life. You deserve someone else who can love you and never hurt you like I have. I want you to know I'll love you forever and ever. You can have everything all this shot is nothing. You and the boys deserve the house you're what makes it a home. I don't want anything without you. I'll always pray you'll give me a other chance knowing I'll never deserve it. I broke your heart when I promised I never would. I really thought I wouldn't but just like almost everything in my life for as long as I can remember I've fucked it up. I should have known that from the get go but you are so fucking perfect I always hoped I could be the man you deserved and would never break your heart I did though. I'll never deserve a second chance. I fell from your grace. I don't ever deserve to be held in that honor again. I'm so sorry Liz and maybe one day you'll understand how sorry I am. Until that day I'll love you from a far....."
I close the laptop lid and stumble out of his office back into the kitchen. I never knew it hurt him just as much as its been hurting me. Maybe even more. Well definitely more. He's hurt so much more than me. My poor Zack. My poor poor Zack. I hear his footsteps on the stairs and wipe my face on my robe. I smile as he walks in the kitchen.
"Oh thank god I thought you left." Zack says.
"No I'm still here" I smile.
"Thank god can we talk?" He asks me sheepishly.