Love, Misunderstood

Part 3 Chapters Two through Twenty

CHAPTER 2

At the tender age of twelve, a broken heart seemed like the end of the world. That night, I ran straight home and cried. Courtney and Jodi stopped by on their way home to see how I was doing. By then Jodi had guessed my big secret, and both she and Courtney told me Justin was a jerk, and that I should forget about him. But their words didn't ease my pain, and when they left, I cried some more, until I fell asleep.

When I woke the next day, I felt like a zombie. I lay in my bed thinking about Justin and replayed the conversation. Despite the fact that he did not reciprocate my feelings, I still liked him. The more I thought about it, the more it hurt. I couldn't help thinking if that was what love felt like, then maybe it wasn't for me. And after a few nights of crying myself to sleep, I decided I that I never wanted to feel that much pain again, and I vowed to never fall in love again. I decided that the first step in avoiding love was to avoid Justin.

Courtney and I spent the rest of that summer laying out by her pool, listening to music, and dreaming about our future. She, of course, thought that my avoidance of love plan was crazy. "You can't give up just because Justin doesn't like you. Don't you want to get married some day and have kids?"

"I'll just adopt some."

"You can't adopt kids if you're not married."

"How do you know?"

"I just do. Besides, it would be weird if the kids didn't have a dad."

"I'll just tell people he died in a car crash or something." I thought about what she said, and figured she might be right, which, if she was, then I would sacrifice having children. I was willing to do that, if it meant not getting hurt again.

Fall rolled around, and with it came the beginning of eighth grade. The night before the first day of classes, I couldn't sleep, because I dreaded seeing Justin again. I kept thinking that he probably told his friends that I threw myself at him, and they probably laughed about it until their stomachs hurt. So not only was I dreading seeing Justin, but I dreaded seeing his friends as well, which, unfortunately for me, was every boy in our class. I kept picturing them all leaning against their lockers, pointing at me and laughing as I walked down the hall.

To my surprise, the first day went rather well. Nobody stared at me or pointed their fingers and laughed, which was a huge relief. I didn't even see Justin until fourth period history class, and when he walked passed my desk, he said "hey Sabrina", in a slightly higher than normal pitch, almost as if he was asking for permission to speak to me. Looking back, he was probably just trying to be nice. I muttered a quick 'hi" back to him, and turned away, because it felt like my heart was beating a million beats with each passing second. When class started, I found it hard to concentrate, because thoughts of Justin, and how much I wanted things to be different kept floating into my mind. So as soon as the bell rang, I bolted for the door and flew out of the room so I didn't have to see him again, at least until the next class.

The next day was a bit easier. I pretended to read when I sat down, so Justin didn't talk to me. Thankfully our teacher, Mr. Hansen, dove right into the work as soon as the bell rang, and it kept my mind occupied. Again, I bolted out of the classroom when the bell rang, and as I walked home, I realized that avoiding Justin eased some of my anxiety. So I decided to ignore him forever. And most days, it worked. Justin must have sensed that I had didn't want to talk to him, because he stopped attempting to say "hi" to me in class. Eventually, he stopped acknowledging that I was even there. Despite my plan of ignoring him to avoid further pain, his ignoring me hurt. No matter what I did, I seemed to get hurt, and I didn't quite know what to do. So I threw myself into my studies, and joined after school clubs and activities to keep my mind off of him, and before I knew it, the school year ended, and I was free of him for at least two months. When the neighborhood carnival rolled around, I was careful to avoid him, for fear of duplicating the previous year's disaster.